My castle in the air where I dream

Today

2011-09-15T21:01:00.001+08:00

Today, I register for bar school.

Today, is 1 week since I first moved into a new house, breaking down walls and sharing the space that I live and breathe in with someone else.

Today, I celebrate my birthday without my family for the first time in a not-so-new city in a not-that-foreign country.

Today, I turn 23.

Happy Birthday to me! I hope the year ahead will be interesting and that I may meet the challenges that will face me with fortitude and grace. I really really hope that my birthday wish which I made after blowing out all the imaginary and real candles in all the desserts/macaroons/cakes/tarts come true.

Dissertation

2011-08-18T09:01:00.002+08:00

Start thinking.

Don't stop at the start.

Follow up on a thought or an idea.

Maybe I'm not that cut out for the whole 'let's have no assessment but for the 1 exam/essay style'.

Pictures post Barcelona

2011-08-13T07:57:00.003+08:00

Just a couple of pictures from last year

Malaysia Night 2010 - my first occasion wearing my baju kebaya which has been in my wardrobe since year 1. Would have been overly pink but matchy if you had to wear the pink baju Melayu again. ;)

One of my favourite Kenilworth hideouts - Time for Tea where they serve afternoon tea and food. Many a weekend afternoon has been spent here with lovely company. Their clotted cream is one of the best and I always have an extra serving, nevermind the calories.

I do miss Warwick after all...

A sad but true possibility

2011-08-10T23:23:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to go home with a seriously dented heart.

Will you be there to help me?

Changes

2011-07-08T01:50:00.000+08:00

Don't make someone a priority when you're just an option to them.

Everyone should remember this saying. The irony is when doctors dispensing medicine and help to others fail to recognise that they need some self-medication.

The dream that you wish will come true

2011-04-29T15:28:00.001+08:00

Royal Wedding!

The stuff that little girls dreams and Disney fairytales are made of, to be swept off by her Prince Charming and riding off into the sunset in a beautiful carriage to live happily ever after.

A lovely display of tradition, modern-ness, simplicity and elegance. Along with the warm public spirit as well-wishers cheered the lovely couple on. Truly something to warm the heart. :)

white horses

2011-04-23T10:26:00.000+08:00

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it.

Don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay.

- something i wish i knew much earlier.

but for

2011-04-22T18:25:00.001+08:00

you have no idea how much i wish you didn't happen

the only thing i am thankful for is that i am wiser now

i expect less, and try to give more

at the same time, i am happy and yet sad that i am no longer so naive

reality has its ups and downs

the but for test

but for you, i would have been a lot smarter

but, but for you, who's to say the above

it's not always about you, or i

it should be about us, theoretically speaking.

and to you, i don't know if you happened or not

selfish you and i both were

consequences may or may not have been severe

sometimes i think about you

i wish that the events didn't occur

so that you and i might have remained as we were

you were my last link to it.

at this age, i look back on memories

i wish it was all sweetness and light

but it is not to be so

the bittersweet memories, the growing maturity

illuminating the reality of life.

Self stupidity.

2011-04-22T18:17:00.000+08:00

Great job Siew Yen, for not bothering enough to recheck your Business, Finance & Insolvency notes from Year 2. And for that, you have wasted 1 week re-reading things that sound familiar, when you could have spent it on better avenues of revision.

Sorely annoyed and angry at my lack of get-go.

belle maison

2011-04-19T00:41:00.000+08:00

Somedays I get the urge to decorate the house. And I keep telling myself that this is a rented place, why bother when you're leaving this flat in 4 months time.

Then it becomes a self-reminder that I'm probably going to end up leaving this country and all the consequences and connotations that goes along with it in 16 months time.

As always, I don't have enough time.

Don't be sad. Live for each day, and fight for what you want!

This boots ain't made for walking

2011-04-17T23:23:00.000+08:00

Had a rather unproductive weekend, woke up late due to a very late Friday night. Attempted home studying - which I can pretty much say doesn't work at this point of exam prep. Headed to LSE lib on Sunday to study where my new, cheap boots killed my feet. I now have 3 blisters on my feet. A painful reminder to myself never ever ever to buy clothes/shoes/bags that don't fit well just because it's cheap. The pain really isn't worth it!

Hmm dreaming now about those GPB185 boots I saw in Hobbs and Russell & Bromley previously.

Off to sleep now, gotta hit the library real early tmr to ensure I get the book I need and awesome studying seats! :)

Day nombor dua

2011-04-15T16:03:00.002+08:00

So yes, Day 2 of resolution to blog.

Went to UCL library super early but there were even more kiasu ppl awake at the good seats so we ended up in the law reading room. Each time I go into the UCL lib, I'm amazed at its antiquity. It's a bit Hogswarty and Old English - which means lousy location for water fountains, toilets, ventilation and heating, but so historically beautiful and charming that you can feel the ancient acadamia in the air. No wait a minute, that's dust.

Anyway, studying wasn't too productive and I headed down to Debenhams to pick up an online purchase - £20 for a pair of brown boots with a stacked heel. Not exactly great quality in terms of material and they're slightly tight (OMG I hope they do expand with usage or it will be a case of my white raincoat which I bought only because it's cheap and it wouldn't look that big....) Sigh why don't I learn from my lesson only to buy what fits well? :( I think I succumbed bcz my mummy has declared my previous brown boots out of commission and I missed wearing boots or anything remotely comfy that wasn't flats/sneakers.

Headed out to Cafe East for dinner with JY, YH and Lin (their housemate's gf) and went to chill at their place bcz JY baked us apple crumble for dessert. Somehow, we ended up playing Alive4Ever (rip-offed from L4D) from 8.30pm to 1.30am. FML. It's like I don't have exams coming up....

Anyway, it was really good to unwind after hitting the library non-stop for a week. Yesterday shall be my last major outing and long meal day. From now on I shall put on my studying cap and go on full blaze!

Next up, I'm looking out for a keyboard for my iPad. Debating between the Logitech Keyboard Case by ZAGG or the H2 iPad Bluetooth Keyboard Folio. Any suggestions?

Off to tackle corporate finance...

Why I'm not going to the library today

2011-04-14T11:00:00.000+08:00

There's always a resurgence in blogposts when I'm busy with essays or last minute revision cz I will do anything to avoid studying.

Sticking to form, I hereby declare that I will take out 5 mins everyday from now on to blog (Even if it's just a today I went to the library) instead of wasting my time web-surfing for random things.

Anyway, I wanted to say that today is the first time in days that I haven't been to the library bcz:

1) LSE's lib is too far. It takes about 1 hour to walk there and back, and once I get home, it takes me awhile to settle down, my mind shuts off and I can't study --> Save 1.5 hours

2) Why waste time buying and getting breakfast, lunch and possibly dinner out --> Save 2 hours

3) No need to walk so far to the washroom and water fountains --> Save 30mins

Therefore, I am staying home cz I am forecasting that I shall save 4 hours which I can use to study. Okay, seeing that I normally start work at 1030am in the lib, I have already wasted 30mins of my 'saved' time hence I shall stop and go read about forms of consensual real security.

a red shiny heart

2011-02-23T09:11:00.002+08:00

Just looking back at some all posts about family vacations really make me miss home and all the trips I went on with my family. I feel like life is going by so fast.

I think I want more than what you are giving and I don't know if you can give me what I want.

And I don't think I want what you gave me, and I don't think I want any more. It was an interlude. Delusional but pleasant. If you peel the top layer off, I'm not sure there's something beautiful underneath it.

Celebrities

2011-02-17T07:54:00.002+08:00

Guy Ritchie's house yesterday, and Keira Knightley in person today. Hmm, I wonder who I will bump into next? Emma Watson? Madonna?

Obssession

2011-02-07T21:31:00.004+08:00

Things I have been obssessed with doing since I came to UK:

1. Checking the weather - wake up, check the weather. Deciding what to wear before I go out, I check the weather. When I'm outside, I check the weather. About to sleep, I check the weather for the next day eventhough I know that when I wake up, I will..........check the weather!

2. Looking at sales or discount websites and going Ooooh that's a really good deal.....and clicking the little red box after realising that I don't need it, delivery isn't free, the place is too far etc.

3. Google mapping - eventhough I know how to find my way to a destination, I get a kick out of finding out how long it will take me and trying to look for the most efficient way on Google maps.

4. Going to superbig Tesco/Sainsbury/any supermarket and comparing prices. I get excited when I see toilet rolls on sale and I sweep the last pack!

5. Checking mail - mostly thanks to the Iphone. Not so good is that sometimes I don't reply longish mails (anything that requires more than 2-3 lines of text) and I end up forgetting to reply them.

I think I only blog when I need to kill a short period of time (i.e. not worth starting a drama episode/reading cases/articles/doing work/doing all the other more urgent stuff on my to do list), like right now I'm killing time till I have to go to Bond Street to have lunch at Nagomi and pick up things from House of Fraser before class and dance practice.

Accuweather and Google maps, here I come!

Securitisation

2011-01-17T22:03:00.002+08:00

If I had a penny for each time I saw the word "securitisation", and half a penny for a derivative or variant of it, I would be rich by the end of my Masters programme.

Drawing on walls

2011-01-15T11:06:00.002+08:00

As a child when you see a nice blank wall and think, "Wow, giant artblock! Yippee!" to yourself, chances are, if you drew on your walls at home you would end up spanked.

l drew on walls today. Oh boy, I feel so happy! :)

p/s: Not exactly walls, but wallpaper. To be precise, doorpaper.

Time to change

2011-01-13T02:42:00.000+08:00

So I finally got around to changing my blogskin. Definitely need to tweak it. Hopefully, this will get me to blog more instead of being on a hiatus semi-permanently. :)

New toys

2010-10-23T19:10:00.001+08:00

Yes, after much dithering (on my part) and much delay (on apple's part), I am now the happy happy owner of a shiny new iPhone 4!!!! :D *insert appropriate thanks to my daddy whom I notified that I was getting this as a belated birthday present and received a neutral-positive response which I turned into a yes*

Oh and I have unlimited 3G Internet too! *double joy* cause as someone once said, an iPhone without Internet is just like an expensive paperweight.

I love the fact that I don't have to move from the warmth of my bed to check emails and the weather. My laptop has been left dusty seeing that I now only use it to watch Grey's Anatomy and umm study. Yeah.

Anyway, life in London has been pretty good except that it's getting rather cold and us students trying to be thrifty now that we have to pay our own heating bill have decided that our house heater shall not be switched on till the house temperature drops to 12c. Brrrrr... My steaming hot showers are already the highlight of my day as that's about the only time (besides sleeping) that I don't shiver uncontrollably at home. The sad life of desperate broke students in London.

I live in central London pretty near school which is a quiet residential area filled with food places, and there are 2 tube stations and 2 supermarkets nearby. And more importantly, Oxford street is 17 mins walk and Chinatown is about 20-25 mins by foot too! I will start snapping more pics with my new phone and upload them.

BBC is always filming in a square (which has like the bolivar/Venezuela consulate) next to my flat and I was so excited because last night enroute dinner, they were filming in my regular breakfast place and I ate there just 9 hours ago! Much excitement led to the whipping out of iPhone and snapping. And one of the crew/actor (i hope he was an actor) obliged by waving and smiling!

My housemate Jenny, has confessed that she was so tempted to jump madly in front of the camera and wave madly asian style. I confess, those thoughts have been lurking in my mind too...but for the ensuing tsunami of embarrassment that would instantly follow.

Okay I can't figure out how to upload pics from my phone onto blogger while blogging with it. I shall be back with more pics. :)

Goodbye UK, transit Changi, hello Malaysia!

2010-07-24T09:24:00.002+08:00

I am now officially a LLB (Honours) graduate. Or Qualified LLB Honours graduate. Or did the cert say graduate with a degree in LLB?

Okay, I probably have got my terminology wrong, but basically, I have graduated from law school lah okay! :DDDDD

And, I am now on my way home, transiting for a couple of hours in Singapore and blogging from the free internet terminals provided courtesy of Changi airport. Seriously, how not to love Changi airport, free internet!!! Not to mention the lovely empty rows of seats that people can park themselves in. They look good enough to lounge around and nap in (I saw people snoozing full length really really comfily!) Changi seems so much different from before where my family and I had to sleep overnight in the airport for a transit, somehow I don't think the science corner and Baskins Robins (or was it Swensens) is still around... I took a quick walk through their Butterfly Garden, stayed well away from the shops (although they look so tempting) because the exchange rate will not allow any purchases, and after this I'm going to look for the free Foot and Calf Massage Points where u get a free 15min massage. How awesome is this place?!

I had an awesome flight with SIA, the first in 10 very long years, and I do look forward to repeating the experience again. Oops, I think I hear my flight being called and I'm not in the right terminal. And my 15 mins are almost up. I'm glad to be transiting in Singapore, but I'm really really looking forward to home sweet home, Malaysia.......truly Asia! *cues cheesy ad jingle*

So after the exams

2010-06-28T08:09:00.003+08:00

Hmmm now that exams are long done with, a quick recap on what I've been doing. I have gone to Turkey with the parents, and gone to Eurodisney with friends and basically ate a lot and done no gymming.

Loads of worries about oncoming results and storage and packing and finding suitable accomodation to live in London for next year. Anybody knows anyone who wants to rent out 2 bedroom apartments in central London for reasonable prices? :)

I promise pictures from Eurodisney and Turkey soon. As for now, I have to go get prepared for my apartment viewings and try to ask smart questions so that I won't be conned by the real estate agents.

Note to self: Remember to look for stains or drips and to "discreetly" slam the doors to make sure they work.

15

2010-06-03T00:57:00.000+08:00

I have frittered away 3 days that could have been spent studying for my Financial Services Regulation exam, leaving me only with 2 full days before the paper. Sigh. :( I never learn.

Anyway so today I was thinking, this is my last undergraduate paper, and than I will be done. You know, out into the big world from my sheltered cocoon here. And I'm scared. I've had this conversation with so many people already. Its like we're all scared together but we have to go out there and do it.

I want to find my Zen job, but I don't know what it is. So until than I'll just keep going along, utilising what I have learnt and learning along the way until I find something that I'm happy with. Or that pays me well enough that I can retired in a period of time that I'm happy with and do things that I want to do.

On a side note: I'm slightly bemused when people say, "Oh you're so religious or Oh you're such a good girl because you go to mass every weekend/play the piano at mass." So what? Does going somewhere and spending 1 hour of your time there and not thinking about God make you a good person?

I'm not saying I'm bad or I don't believe. What's disappointing to myself is that I seem to call on God more during times when I need Him. And I do make the effort to remember to thank Him as well, and to accept and understand that God has a plan for me. What I'm saying is, while not entirely pointless, am I playing the piano for His glory or because I enjoy it? At what point does playing become a ritual and my prayers get neglected because of the assumption that playing = doing something for God hence the lack of need to talk to Him.

I once asked my mum if its okay not to marry a Christian/non-Catholic. And she said, what's more important is, even if that person isn't Christian/non-Catholic but helps you to lead a more spritual/religious life, isn't that better?

What do you think?

Wee-feeee

2010-05-22T12:23:00.000+08:00

I find that there's something very charmingly nouveau about blogging from a cordless laptop with wifi in a pub, eventhough wifi and laptops are nothing new. :)

Okay my chicken combo is here. Back to the library to cram for tax law after that. Sigh.

The many ways in which my procrastination manifests itself

2010-05-19T07:08:00.003+08:00

After reading an article about the upcoming change in subways, I suddenly crave NYC because it gives me a buzz that coffee never does. The people, buildings, grime, makes me feel like I can conquer the world eventhough I am one of the unknown strangers in the bustling crowd.

Studying while listening to Bach's Toccata & Fugue on Organ makes me feel like I can do this. It brings back warm happy times from Prague and sweet memories from Vienna.

Midnight trains

2010-04-08T01:38:00.000+08:00

At the end of the day, the lies all fall away. And we're glad for it. But here's the truth about the truth, sometimes it hurts so bad that we lie.

All my bags are packed (not!) and I'm ready to go

2010-03-20T23:01:00.000+08:00

This is seemingly a page where I only post when I want to announce I'm going somewhere. So as not to disappoint....

I went for Law Ball on Valentines Weekend, my first and last formal event before graduation.
I went skiing in Bride-les-Bains, France over Reading Week.
The breathtaking scenery. After looking at all my pictures, I'm determined to ski again. Despite the price, the agony and all the tumbles and bruises, it was all worth it to fly down the mountain.
Taken from the gondola, I think that's the Club Med resort. They have an open air heated swimming pool. How awesome!!!

Me posing in all my gloriously borrowed finery. The only thing that's mine is the beanie...which was given by my sister. Lol.

And I'm going to Vienna and Budapest before settling into my Easter break and the 10,000 words that I have to churn out by Term 3.
And I leave you all with a picture of me and my castle! :)

Dear God, please let my taxation text book be available after my holiday or I will have no source of reference to do my essay or to revise for exams. Thank You.

Complications

2010-01-05T01:29:00.000+08:00

2 very sleepless nights with different sets of problems and questions to think about. I wish I could just shut off my brain and drink a bowl of piping hot home made soup for my cold.

I love Wednesdays

2009-12-02T14:56:00.000+08:00

because its my 1 free day of the week, but I've already wasted half the day doing nothing. :(

Somehow time really flies in this final year...I've only got 1.5 weeks left of term 1. Oh no!!! I wanna be an undergrad forever. Anyway, I'm reknown for my chillling time procrastinating habits so you can imagine how weird it is now that I contracted this time-saving disease from someone. I walk faster, cook faster, eat faster work faster and basically do what I can to "save my time", though I end up inevitably spending it on bridge/drama sessions. I even kicked someone out of my room during a very comfy cuddly session because I kept glancing at my watch and was obssessing about how late it was and how I had to make dinner and work eventhough it was just 8 freaking pm.

What my diary (which is my phone + friends schedules + post-its on my wall because my official diary which has a really pretty shopping theme only starts on the last week of Dec '09)) looks like:

1. A gym session today @ 11am which I squirmed out of bcz I was snugly in bed
2. Carol service today @ 5.30pm
3. Deciding whether to make the moot and to prepare my skeleton and speech for it
4. Law of Business Organisation and Law of Trusts seminar work to do
5. Look into all my applications for post-graduate and possibly Bar school because I need to get my references done by next week
6. Research and plan my Christmas trip (I'm going to Budapest and Austria! Yayy!!!)
7. Dinner this Friday out in town

........and that's only for this week which only has 4 days left!

And before I go off to tackle my mooting work, I leave you with some pictures from Prague. I normally pick up a few new words each time I travel to a different country, but sadly enough after 4 days, all I learnt was how to say shisha (vod-ya dim-k....if I rmb it correctly) and 'crowns' (koruna....with the last 2 syllables rolled together) because we wanted to look for a shisha place one night and well, crowns is their currency. People either spoke accented English which we understood with some striving and word-guessing or they didn't, whereby everybody hand-gestured and nodded a lot. =P

3rd day - Jewish Quarter. This is a very European look. I could go to almost any city in Europe and discover something similar at a glance but upon closer look, you see the unique details that characterise each place.
2nd day - dinner at the oldest restaurant in Prague where the executioner used to eat at and I'm eating his favourite dish too! Yummy yums!!!
3rd day - Jewish Quarter. This represents Kafka, whose famous works I've never read.
4th day - Woke up at 5.30am to catch the sunrise on Charles Bridge which is supposed to be gorgeous. Alas, the weather didn't co-operate and we nearly froze ourselves silly mucking around the bridge. =)

And I leave you all with a picture of me and the saints on the bridge. I think I was supposed to be an angel. Oh wait, I already am one ;)

corridors in the morning

2009-11-30T00:27:00.000+08:00

I loved you because I knew you would come after me.

Even if I can't imagine anything after you grab my hand and ask "Are you alright?" I would still love you.

Breakable mugs

2009-11-19T22:42:00.000+08:00

I thought my heart was well-protected from breakages and bruises some time back. Then I went back in time and got my heart battered again. A different and new kind of hurt, but still hurt all the same. Places and corners that I didn't even know were there. How could anyone have the capacity to this? What have I done to deserve a blue stress ball thrown back at me? Funny enough, life jerks out the rug when you least expect it. I saw a doctor and she tried to mend my wounds and stuck a big purple Band-Aid over the hole. And I thought, I can survive this. Fragile and newly-mended, I will live each day at a time and heal. And someone whirled in and ripped it even wider. Exposing the dust, secrets, tears and laughter. Minutes into hours into days. I cried. And I laughed. And I was happy. But for a moment I knew that this was hello and goodbye and chocolate. I knew I had to wake up soon. Recovery was painful, this stonewalling was nauseous. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't laugh. I couldn't breathe. Blankets of memories and time were closing in. I felt as though I was being ripped into different persons. I can't do this, I won't do this. I need to open up my heart and let the sorrowness drain away. I want to dance and laugh and look at you and say good luck. Slowly but steadily, I learned to walk again. And the rug was jerked once more. A promise - no I can't say it was broken for I don't remember if it was even given. But I remember a statement, oh I remember. I have lost again. And in losing I understand that what will be is meant to be. I learn that I can be better and happier. I learn that my heart is never completely safe but it will die if I stonewall. I learn that doctors sometime have to care for themselves before their patients. I learn that I can be happy by being at peace with myself. Oh my heart, I will dance with the autumn leaves and learn that to love is to risk everything and in a kiss, gain back manyfold.

Autumnal crevices

2009-10-25T18:51:00.001+08:00

So, term's being hectic so far. Things have regressed to what they used to be. For both situations. I don't know if it's a new regression though, and I hope not. Perspective does fucking change. I want to say let's cut the shit, no more pussyfooting or double-talk. Let's be the way we used to be. Is that too much to ask?

I'm going to Prague this Reading Week.

7 hours

2009-09-23T08:44:00.002+08:00

Tonight I want to be the ice-cream girl in a brown jacket on the swing in the park.

Autumn

2009-09-18T09:34:00.002+08:00

Goodbye Malaysia, hello UK.

Say farewell to summer kids, cause school's about to start. :(

Summer was just beautiful, but still a dream nonetheless. Awakening comes when you receive a snarky-sounding email saying that you cannot change modules to Financial Services Regulation or Medicine & Law and you are stuck taking Basic Introduction to Islamic Law. Oh heavens, help me!!! Not that I have anything against Islamic law.

Sometimes I wonder why my parents pay so much for 27 or less weeks of study with such inflexible study structures and administrators always have to sound like they have a pen stuck up their unmentionables. Give a student a break, won't ya?

From a gentle bud which bloomed to its glorious maturity in a brief moment and withered soon.

And so I said goodbye and left behind a part of me.

Vampires

2009-09-14T02:37:00.004+08:00

Things happen when you least expect them to.

Crazy heart-stopping adrenaline pounding shadow dancing.
From sky-high icy mountains swooping down to warm valleys.
To flitting between lines that invisibly guard grey fields.
Whirlwinds, thunderstorms, lightning and warm rain.

I just want to revel in the last few moments of time. Will that be too much to hope for?

Junkie

2009-09-11T18:33:00.002+08:00

Its an addiction I cannot shake. Cravings, adrenaline, the rush to the head. I thought I gave it up but all it took was one moment.

And I was lost, again.

I cannot stop myself from sliding into mysteries that I know are hauntingly terrifying with a dark beauty that I cannot fathom. All I can do is watch with pleasurable despair. And pray that somehow, someone somewhere will catch me.

When we are truly fortunate

2009-09-10T07:49:00.005+08:00

Love comes to us in its purest form when we are loved for ourselves without questions or judgements.

Piano recitals

2009-09-03T23:38:00.002+08:00

Thank you for not leaving me at the subway station, Charlie.

Smiley Jacksons

2009-08-19T22:36:00.003+08:00

I love my mummy. She fed me a huge spoonful of Milo powder. Yums! =)

I love my daddy. He goes four-poster bed hunting with me every weekend eventhough he is so busy with work. =)

I love my mummy and daddy because they remembered my favourite hakka noodles and char siu place and brought me there for sunday lunch where we pigged out as a family. And they bought me a four-poster bed that cost a bomb and has perfectly perfect matching satin brown and golden bedsheets. =)

The draperies lady was here today. Imma get my full-length window curtains and feminine princessy drapes on Tuesday. =)

Now its just getting the right bedside table, dressing table, work table, cupboard and shelves. Not forgetting the rug and I'm thinking maybe some decorative pillows to give my bed the perfect feel.

Suggestions anybody?

Because there was a time for everything

2009-08-14T23:49:00.003+08:00

I lost her.
She lost him.
He lost her.
And I lost you.

Give me my cold winds and slashing rains, for there I am warmed by the love of friends. Here, the chill seeps in quietly beneath the light.

Only a fool believes there is no price
But the time of reckoning will come
Be you ready or not, it shall be paid
In heart's blood, or more if it must be.

I pay the price, and I would pay it all over again. For if I don't, there would be no price to begin with.

I may have started it
But you force my hand.

Who am I to judge you, to praise you? And who are you to judge me?

You will not share, even for a fraction of the time that you will have. All's fair, for share not what you would prize above all. Small though it seems, I have the satisfaction of knowing or guessing that it was time that might have played the winning stroke.

I yield, for I seek not to destroy the remnants.
Go, leave me to learn my lesson well.

And secretly, I know and you know that this lesson may well not be learned, ever.

Veiled half-truths

2009-07-23T12:05:00.003+08:00

I'm saddened to think that my suspicions are probably right. If you declared me PNG, think again. How much do you know of what I do? And if you're frightened you have no cause to be. What you think will happen will never come about for reasons that only I know. And I have no wish to jeopardise what I already have for what you fancy or hallucinate will happen. I am not like you.

I wage no war because there will be no winners. You have the first right to call me out. Any of my actions that you deem as provocating I would like to say I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I deplore past and present behaviour, both yours and mine. Suffice to say I think this is childish.

The saddest of all is that you go behind my back instead of calling me out to my face. I am disappointed in you, in those you misguidedly seek to protect and in me for not realising this earlier.

You cannot cage freedom to tame its spirit because in doing so its essence will be lost.

My favourite airport

2009-07-10T23:33:00.000+08:00

I am home! Whee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everybody let's go yumcha, movie, lunch/dinner whatever, let's meet up!

No mobile yet so IM/email me okay. Don't drop by without telling me cuz I have shifted! Hehe. =)

Compare and contrast

2009-07-08T13:13:00.000+08:00

I love my parents and the independence they give me when I'm abroad, but sometimes their chilling-ness just astounds me.

Examples:

1. Me on board Ryanair flight to Venice trying to remember if I told my mum I'm going to Venice today. Picks up phone and calls her..

Me: Hey mum, just called to let you know I'm flying to Venice today. Did I tell you that?
Mum: Hmm I can't remember. Okay. Have fun.
Me: So do you want anything from there?
Mum: Nope, just enjoy yourself.

Tbh I sort of prepared myself for a "Why didn't you tell me earlier statement" but so far my parents rarely say that.

2. Exams

Parents: So how was your papers?
Me: It was so bad, I think I'm gonna fail or at least just scrape through.
Parents: I thought you've been studying in the library?
Me: Yeah, but I just only studied for that paper 2 days before it.
Parents: What have you been doing throughout the year? I'm sure it will be fine.

That's it. No nagging or recriminations.

3. Coming home

Parents: So......when are you coming home again?
Me: 10th July
Parents: Okay, you might have to take a cab back cz daddy will be in China and mummy will be working.
Me: What? No warm homecoming reception?
Parents: Yeap, just make sure all your luggage can fit into the cab.

2 weeks later

Parents: So when are you coming home again? We've kinda forgot the date.
Me: =.= I'll get a cab if everyone is busy.

4. Studying

Mummy: So what're you still doing up at 2am? Don't you have class tmr?
Me: Yeap, my class is at 9am but I'm not going.
Mummy: Why not?
Me: Don't like the lecturer, he's boring and he just reads off slides. Plus 9am is so early and cold.
Mummy: For all the money your father is paying... well its up to you, just make sure you know what's going on.

Contrast it to when I'm back home:

1. Going out late at night

Parents: It would be nice if you're home before 1am
Me: Okay

At 12midnight...

Parents on the phone: So, where are you now?
Me: Outside. Its not 1am yet
Parents: You don't have to come home at 12.59am you know
Me: Yeap, I know. Don't worry about it, I'll come home on my own. Besides, in UK I stay out till much later
Parents: Yeah but that's UK. This is home, Malaysia therefore you have home rules.

2. Not telling them where I'm going

Parents: How come you didn't tell us earlier you're going out?
Me: I mentioned it earlier. You just forgot.
Parents: No we didnt....you didn't say
Me: Yeap I did. I told you just now when (insert wtv time or event my parents were doing)
Parents: Hah! Conveniently slip it in when we're not paying full attention
Me: Did not! I told you. Can't help it if you didn't rmb.
Parents: Okay but next time please tell us earlier and remind us.

I'm wondering, is it just my parents who are so chilling when I'm in UK and more strict when I'm back home....or is this a syndrome for parents who have children studying abroad?

In the heat of summer sunshine

2009-06-24T10:05:00.002+08:00

So I finished exams 8 days ago. Been too busy shopping, eating, chilling out and packing to blog. Summertime is here, exams are over and its time to party baby! Sadly I passed up clubbing to go play hearts and snooker instead. All the well-planned plans like clubbing, drinking nights, movie marathons, cookouts and poker sessions all came to nothing because everyone was busy and leaving really fast. =( But, summertime is here and the weather is nice and sunny (at times its a bit too warm like M'sia, tbh I'm rather dreading going home to the tropical humid climate.) and the sunsets at like 9.30pm and rises at 3.30am so I have loads of light!!!

My room table and shelf looks like a major disaster area eventhough I'm supposed to be done packing. Note the word supposed. Went shopping in Birm & town and got myself summery things and finally bought a pair of comfy flats that I can walk around in pale ballet pink. =)

Due for more shopping today at Bicester Village outlet. I've a feeling I'll either survive intact without buying or be horrendrously hit by purchases especially since summer sales is starting.

I need to get a move on, my train's at 11.25am and I still need to run some errands. Can you believe it, I popped 3 buttons off my jacket in 2 weeks. That's how fat I've gotten. =P

Leaving tomorrow for London for a couple of days and than its Eurotrip Round 2 on Monday, this time to Venice and Paris with the housemates who already left yesterday for Rome and Florence.

The house is pleasantly quiet. Okay the silence is a bit weird at times but I always have some form of company and sometimes, its nice to have the house to yourself. =)

Exam mugging leads to loads of destress-bugging

2009-05-30T16:54:00.002+08:00

Blogging at 10 in the morning while downing a cup of tropical fruit juice on a seemingly empty stomach doesn't seem like a good idea. House all quiet, a warm shower needed.

I hate this time of the year, the endless mugging. What's worse is that I haven't been mugging as hard as last year which means I'll be really screwed. Need to cover 3 modules in 11 days. 1 out of which I skipped half the classes. Another 1 which I zoned out in about 1/4 of the classes. And the final one which I attended all classes but still had no idea half the time what my favourite lecturer was talking about.

And so I leave you to ponder my fate. Hot shower is very necessary now along with a clean change of clothes. Maybe the library later. =)

p/s: A couple of Italy pictures..

In Milan, Sforza Angelli or the Italian equivalent of Castle Something. The dude is an American tourist who came here with a group and they're studying in the University of Manchester and they also didn't know where my uni is. =.= All the yummeh cakes and pastries that I wished I sampled in Milan.

Wake-up calls

2009-05-28T15:52:00.003+08:00

I had a wake-up call just the other night.

I lay in bed unable to sleep, unable to cry with frustration on how I let things slide, how my behaviour changed. I foresaw the same mistakes that I made coming back to haunt me. I couldn't believe how irresponsible I was. Till reality hit me in the face.

Do I keep needing my mistakes to happen again before I'll remember and learn from the past?

I was talking to someone and he said, "If you got to where you are today without your heart in it and by just skating by, imagine how far you could have gone if you put the effort in."

That was another wake-up call that I brushed aside. Stupid of me, really.

redeye on the loose

2009-05-13T13:43:00.000+08:00

My eyes were itchy, the reflex to rub it away overtook my sensibilities. The very instant my hand came into contact with my right eyeball, the words "Oh shit!" flashed into my mind.

Sugarshootshit!

Run to the bathroom to wash hands and left eyeball which is thankfully not red yet. How the heck could I have been so careless after numerous warnings not to touch the eyes and to disinfect/dispose of anything that came into contact with it?!

Never having conjunctivitis before, I didn't even realise my eye was red till my housemate pointed it out. This was the punishment for rubbing my eyes with contacts on, the karma for not disposing of expired lenses. The comeback for not heeding stern advice and dark looks accompanied by mutterings when I cheekily rubbed my eyeballs into my sockets. Also possibly nature's way of paying me back for the countless times I sarcastically rolled my eyes at everyone.

I have been duly frightened by gruesome pictures of conjunctivitis victims from wikipedia. I will try to stop rubbing my eyes and throw away my contacts soon, I promise. So please let this red right eye just be a one-off lack of sleep and tiredness instead of the feared conjunctivitis.

Pretty pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top...

Goodbye Easter hello spring!

2009-05-06T23:25:00.003+08:00

Just over 2 weeks since my last entry. And I did 3 essays in my final week of Easter hols right up to the due dates in the 1st week of term. Literally wrote my international law essay from scratch the night before its deadline on Thursday. Thank God for housemates who pass on their research books and for people who teman me as I work through the night, only stopping for ice-cream breaks and 10 minute naps.
Encouragement from my housemate, Jenny whose parents visited her over Easter and brought me Hello Panda's from HK after knowing that I scoured Birm & London for them.
Close-ups of very yummy chocolate treats that have long disappeared.
Trying to bribe Toby into letting me take more breaks from my essay. I placed him right next to my laptop because he has a guilt-inducing mournful look that I see when I look up from my books. But, he did his duty and didn't succumb to HP's like me. =P
What my room looks like after a week of frantic cramming for essay writing.

Recuperated with a 12 hours of sleep and had a BBQ the next day where we bought disposable BBQ sets (my first time seeing a disposable one) and more than half our food ended up deliciously oven-baked cuz the BBQ sets took forever to cook!

Headed off to Birmingham for dim sum and major shopping session on Saturday and I am proud to say that I only spent GBP28 on a top and a dress and I spent the least among my friends. This is like a damn major achievement bcuz I always end up spending the most. Hah, take that all you people who call me an out-of-control shopaholic!

Sunday was a cookout where we had nasi lemak with sambal, sambal sotong, ikan bilis, fried onions, fried chicken which was so freaking good, this Korean spring roll like dish where you take a piece of lettuce, put some barbequed pork belly with chilli and/or sesame oil with salt, add in some spring onion seasoned with something that I don't know, fold it popiah-style and pop the whole thing in your mouth. Apparently this dish is called saam (or whoever you spell it) and upon being entertained at our failed attempts to pop it into our mouths in one go, my Korean friend Eugene told us that he didn't know a single Korean girl who couldn't do it. o.O He also made us strawberry sorbet which was such a heavensend after the spicy tear-inducing sambal. =)
Yummy home food that I would love to have for dinner tomorrow.
The guys (L-R: Eugene, Jin, Heng Yong) who cooked and the girls (L-R: Jenny, Janice, Nicole, Crystal and me) who ate! =) There wasn't enough space for them so they had to go out to their backyard and stand outside the window. Lol.

Finished the night off with poker and Mafia where it was a Gucci bag that won the night and brought justice for the zombies, not the well-reasoned and logical arguments that one would expect from 7 law students and 1 F&A student.Poker table and beer. The contents of that tumbler is Strongbow and not chinese tea.

In week 2, I attended the Singapore Society (SingSoc) Leavers Dinner where I had to dress up (hurray for Siew Yen who ventured out in a dress, sheer tights and 3 inch heels in 11 degrees celcius!). It was a well-planned and executed event by the excos and I thought it was very sweet and touching for the leavers. Sort of a little private party to say personal farewells to seniors. It would be nice if the Malaysian Society (MSA) had a Leavers Dinner next year...
What I wore to the dinner. Sigh. So formal for what la?
One of the performances for the night..

The rest of the week went to attending revision lectures and bumming during weekdays while annoying the crap out of my friends who started mugging for the exams while I was still in my 'chilling' attitude. Finally went to the factory outlet at Bicester North on Saturday where I failed to buy what I targeted and was supremely annoyed because here I was all ready to spend but there was nothing to buy. =.= On the way back we had to change trains and because it was kinda late around 7pm, we had to wait for an hour for the next train home and we passed the time playing "Never Have I Ever" and unearthed a whole mineful of interesting and random trivia about each other. Note: Must go to the Great Barrier Reef one day!

Had to haul myself to London the next day and miss church to bring up my sister's wheelie and lappie. That girl is finally flying home to Malaysia after gallivanting around Europe for a whole month. Damn I wish I was home for some curry laksa and cendol.
Lovely view of British countryside from the train. I think those white dots are sheeps..

Anyway, we had fish and chips for lunch because it is the classic Brit food and she had yet to try it. And we went to Hamley's on Oxford Circus which was such an awesome toy shop and bought a nerf gun for my brother. I decided to hang around there while waiting for my train home and we ended up eating Japanese food at Sakura's on Regent Street again while my sister went to Abracadabra for dinner.
Some really funky structure at the harbour front near London Bridge tube station.
At the bar-style table right in front of the chef who kindly obliged my shy request for his pic.
California rolls

And wow, week 3 is here before I realised! Yikes, I have 1 more month till my 1st paper and I have yet to work out a studying schedule. Am I screwed or am I screwed?! Didn't have too good a start to the week but things appeared to have picked up now. Attended the Sing Soc AGM tonight and was very impressed by their efficiency. Finally started studying today.

And now it is 2.48am and I should be in bed but I have decided to stay home and study tomorrow. =) Ooh, did I mention that I saw a royal helicopter on my way to lunch because Prince Phillip (the brother of Prince Charles who is the next in line to the British throne) was having tea with the vice-chancellor of my university. How cool is that?!! I was hoping for Prince William to be honest... =P Last term, Gordon Brown came to my university as well and Tony Pua flew all the way from Malaysia on AirAsia to give a talk which was hosted by MSA.
The Royal Helicopterrrrr! Where we behaved like Asian jacoons by whipping out our cameraphones and snap-snapping away. =PSomeone very kindly obliged with his 8.1 megapixel phone.
A random picture from the day after I came back from New York in March. I was in Leamington Spa for a proper British tea with my friends and this was in the park after stuffing ourselves silly. Thats Josephine from Singapore, Jenny and Janice from HK and they're all my coursemates.

And I end with a pic of my 2 favourite dogs.
Puppy and Toby. :)

Cologne in the morning

2009-04-21T23:13:00.004+08:00

There is no satisfaction in provoking an argument when you get someone who tries to reason you out or is not mean enough to make you start yelling at them.

There is no satisfaction in throwing a tantrum if you have no responsive audience who manjas and soothes you.

Bloody essays and annoying things that pile up.
And screw you, who are you to mean that much to me?

"You have me wrapped around your little finger. No wait, you have me wrapped all around you."

Wind-blown daffodils

2009-04-20T14:10:00.001+08:00

This feeling of discomfort and insecurity rankles and scratches invadingly, like the tag of a new shirt except the tag is all over the place and you just want to rip it off and leave it on the bathroom floor.

You've only known me when I was happy, a wellspring of cheerfulness bubbling under.

April showers bring May flowers

2009-04-16T23:36:00.000+08:00

It feels good to do springcleaning and dispose of boxes that contain archaic and unimportant items. A little nostalgia and amazement at how they came into my possession. And incredulity at the importance that I once accorded it.

This one is for me.

No place like home

2009-04-16T23:17:00.000+08:00

Back from Italy. Now pack-loaded with essays due in 4 days time. Came back refreshed and in a better position to do battle, not that there will be dragon-slaying to do.

This feels surreally comfortable, slouching back on an unmade bed that isn't mine and blogging with just my laptop unplugged from the power cables. Background sounds of furious typing and laptops whirring. The creaking sound from the rooms upstairs and the thump of footsteps on the stairs are familiar to me now.

I could get so used to this. Content and peace is something I haven't experienced for quite a while.

To me, what tops being on vacation is being welcomed home after a cold and tiring journey with love and warmth. And without realising it, a smile slips out at the sweet little gestures that shows you that you were missed.

Its good to be home.

Under the Tuscany sun

2009-04-02T03:49:00.000+08:00

Off again, this time to Italy.

Very exhausted and sick and frustrated. I wish my getaway this time was to a quiet island for 3 or 4 days just to sleep and relax and be myself and soak up laughter and happiness. And after that I may be content to come home and work on my essays.

I hope I shall return from Italy refreshed.

Here's to cappuccinos and gelatos! =)

Diamond-patterned sweaters

2009-03-24T12:02:00.000+08:00

Days I've been home = 4

Groceries bought = 0

Instant noodles eaten = 2

Chocolates eaten = 0

Essays done = 0

Money spent = I don't want to know

Hugs received = A lot but I still want more

New shoes = 2

Sunrises watched = 1

Roof-top climbing = 1 (Not very succesful because we couldn't figure out how to jump up a 5-6 feet high ledge)

Nights slept after 5am = 3

Notes: Easter holidays have been high on Big Apple fun, spending money and bonding sessions and low on shopping, sleeping and essay work done.

Stolen good-night kisses

2009-03-20T23:16:00.006+08:00

I need to appreciate people for whom they are.
"You're beautiful when you let your defenses down."

Toby smells just the way you do.

One for the road

2009-03-19T23:54:00.000+08:00

A final post from this marble-floored lobby.

I have 4 minutes of internet time left and I'm amused to see people just sitting all over the floor next to power points so that they can use the internet.

My family is scattered on separate continents again. My mum and brother left for Malaysia 5 hours ago. I'm leaving for UK in 9 hours. My dad and sister will leave New York in a week or so. Another 4 months before we're all back in Malaysia again.

I don't think I will be coming back to NY for a very long time. I chose shopping on 34th Street over the Museum of Modern Arts today. =P I've had my dose of bright city lights and deep within, a part of me is glad to be returning to quiet Coventry for a little soothing balm, to heal and reflect.

Goodbye Big Apple, hello London! =)

Its not always about the shoes

2009-03-17T23:55:00.000+08:00

I was very gung-ho about day-to-day blogging my 2nd NY trip because I'm bad at blogging about vacations. It takes me months to go through pictures and to piece together what I felt and experienced on the trip. I was delighted to hear that they had free broadband access in the hotel lobby. But guess what? I have been online almost everyday and only one NY post. Most of my internet-ing is stolen bits and pieces of time when I'm waiting for my parents downstairs so we can all go out, and I use my time to check and reply e-mails.

The truth, I have yet to drink Starbucks or do proper shopping eventhough I have 2 days left.

I also miss UK and the people I left behind more than I thought I would. I also love love love getting e-mails. It makes me feel connected. Eventhough I doubt my UK friends would read this, I still love getting e-mails. Period.

I realised that I have started calling UK as home. Exactly when, I don't know. But when I was talking to my mum about flying home, she asked me if I meant Malaysia or UK and I had to pause for a milisecond before answering her.

It hit me then. Previously I never used the word home to mean UK. Home was always Malaysia to me. Now I believe that this cold, foggy country of stiff upper lips and 'a hot cuppa tea' has made itself at home in a corner of my heart in its own way.

Its a different side of New York I'm seeing this time. Less fire trucks and police sirens. More easy lounging. More family time. Older parents, changed and matured children. My brother not so little and more matured, but still my adorable, lovable brother.

I had trouble explaning to my mother what a hookah bar was. My best explanation, "Those smoking like water-pot thingies with different flavours that those Middle-Easterners are very fond off." >.<>

I realise that even if my parents set me curfews or nag at me when I come back late in PJ, they do so for my own safety. But when I'm abroad, they know that I will be exposed to a different culture like drinking, smoking, clubbing, pot and partying and they are pretty open-minded about it. Maybe not too keen on the pot, but they know that they cannot control us from doing what we like so they accept it gracefully and trust that they have taught us well enough to have some sense from doing something stupid.

St. Patrick's Day is today and I can hear a bunch of raucous men singing outside Sheraton. I want a drink, either a cup of fresh orange juice, a choc frappe or a hot chocolate with whipped cream on top.

I want my cup of coffee. =)

From 7th Avenue between 51st & 52 St.

2009-03-13T23:43:00.001+08:00

Location: Sheraton Manhattan lobby, getting my 45 minute internet fix.

Went for a haircut at the same place in downtown Chinatown. Had a neck massage which I needed so badly (I think I'm getting spoilt by all the fabulous neck and back massages that I've been getting lately) and some freaking good Malaysian food which I needed even more.

1 roti canai, 1 rojak, 1 curry laksa and 2 cold bubur chachas = USD21.

A decent price to pay. As a testimony to how good the food was, I even ordered bubur chacha and Tai Siew Yen generally does not eat more than a spoon of tongsui. My sister comes to this place in Chinatown so often that the waiter knows her there. And he's kinda good-looking in a very Chinese-Taiwanese way. Not my kind of candy but still candy nonetheless.

After that, headed up to the Upper West Side to meet up with the parents at the Museum of Natural History which was rather informative but at the price of USD22. Let me see....Malaysian food or museum? Tough call. =P Took lots of photos but I walked away with the question, why all the effort to discover and research and stuff those birds/animals because I think average people like me will read the displays and go, "Hmm yeah I see that bird used to be on earth 10,000 years ago and is now extinct and it has 2 legs and a tail." But all this is surface information and very very little of it is retained in our memory. So unless you're an amatuer/specially interested in this field, what would the majority of humankind benefit from all the money that went into discovering this bird? I know its for humankind knowledge and expansion of boundaries etc but right now I just don't get it, you know?

Went for dinner at a Latin/Cuban/Carribean restaurant called Calle Ocho and my sister's housemate works there so we had free vouchers! The food was good but pricey. The best part of the meal was the bread which was one of the best bread's I had and it was served with black bean paste and not butter. While it was yummy food, I confess that Carribean food doesn't exactly top my list of favourite foods. But it was worthwhile going just to see because the atmosphere is great and the bar looked pretty happening. Everyone was tired so we simply headed back home to recharge for the next day.

It feels really good to be staying in Manhattan because now I don't have to take the subway all the way back to Queens and everything is within walking/cabbing distance. Even with the subway, its always just a few stops and takes us less than 30mins. Last December, I got home almost everynight at 1 or 2am and it would be 3 Asian girls taking the sub, walking for 8 minutes in the freezing cold in a dark neighbourhood and taking turns for the bathroom. Not exactly the best recipe for a perfect holiday. This time, I'm getting home by 9pm everynight and waking up really early at 8am because my parents are jetlagged and wake up at 4 or 6am US time so I get woken up too. =S The only downside to living within eyesight of Times Square is the lovely hotel bill that my dad is going to have to foot for 9 days of living in the heart of NYC.

Today is actually Friday but I was too tired last night to figure out how to retrieve this post which disappeared into thin air. My cons are killing me because I've worn them for 15 hours straight today which I never do back home. I need to go to Duane Reade and buy eyedrops cause mine are 3 months old.

Desperately need a hot shower and a warm bed. Craved a Starbucks hot choc coming out of the subway on my way home but I couldn't be bothered to walk 1 block in the cold for it. Now that I'm sleepy, I crave it even more. And the nearest 24hour Starbucks is 10 blocks down in Times Square. Damn. Nevermind, there's always tomorrow.

I really want to be tucked up in bed like, right now.

Nice to see you again Big Apple

2009-03-11T05:42:00.000+08:00

Business finance and insolvency class in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
Going to skip 1 lecture and 2 tutorials. Have already skipped 2 other lectures this week.
Have yet to e-mail my tutors regarding my absence due to "personal family matters."

Leaving for New York again in 11 hours and 42 minutes.
Started packing my bag at midnight.
5 hours and 45 minutes later, I have yet to finish. Interruptions due to very serious girl talks and unexpected bomb shells of the ungorgeous type.

This is like a repeat of the past 2 Christmases, with major procrastination and frantic packing and dishevelled clumps of work strewn all over my mind and desk. Very, very disorganised for a person with particular OCD tendencies.

Need to pack a book to break the tedium of the journey. For once I'm not bringing my old faithful with me. I'm going to spend some time just with the family and myself. But with 3 essays and acres of ground to cover, I shall bring some BFI materials onboard with me.

I can feel the aching swell at my throat that portends illness due to lack of rest. I'm warned, I'm going off to bed right now.

Bye people, I'm off to New York. Stand at the deck and wave for me! =)

White horses

2009-03-06T08:56:00.001+08:00

Grey is a very subtle area with many shades and textures. The darkwater grey of calf-length suede boots. The shimmering lightspun grey silk of my dress. The damp curling grey fog that peeks and curls out on typical England weather days. The charcoal grey of your wool pants. The grey in which we are.

It feels surreal to be awake before 9am and not be rushing for class. Having the window cracked open and fresh air and sunlight streaming through the windows. I can see Dust floating through my room. I also said I will stop blogging and take a shower when this song stops.

I have watched Shopaholic. =)

I don't know

2009-03-03T01:35:00.001+08:00

if deja vu is something good or bad.

This is more than a game. Nobody knows the rules and the stakes and I don't know how to create them. Please give me the strength to walk by the line and the brain cells to overrule it all.

Does the where and how matter so much?

2009-02-27T19:26:00.003+08:00

My conscience has been actively reminding me but I know that any slips I make along the way will be of my own doing and not because my conscience went away. You were there when I called for help. And now there's nothing more that you have not done.

How do you draw the line and stand up when you are not sure of what you believe in anymore?

Today, I don't know where I'm going at all.

Summertime

2009-02-23T10:45:00.000+08:00

Woke up with lovely aches that you get after a good and scrummy bout of exercise. Made a tally of bruises and scrapes. I refused to get out of bed at 9am hence I bummed around under warm, colourful sheets for an hour. =) And did a lot of random things like blogging instead of eating breakfast and starting on my seminar work. And now that I have to leave my house in 10 minutes, my stomach decides to one-up me and start being hungry.

The parents in Vietnam over summer. This was some kind of museum. Don't you think they look like some old couple in a kampung sitting on the front steps bcz they have no work to do but to chill in the lazy afternoon heat? Hehe.

I wanted a pic with my mummy and my brother wanted to be the cameraman. After explicit instructions to take a picture of our upper-halves and not to chop up the Ho Chi Minh statue behind us, this is what he comes up with. On a secondary glance, look mummy we match colours perfectly. Purple and white!
A very pretty shop with reasonably price things. We wanted to get one of those vases/figurines but my dad figuring out that he would have to carry it for the whole day dissuaded us. =(
I think I look weird here but this is one of the few pics I took with my brother and I love him to bits so there!
And I leave you all with a lovely picture of good food from Sheraton Vietnam's international lunch buffet. The oysters in cheese were good and so were the sushi and sashimi and the pate thingy there. Okay I am running late as per usual so I shall rush off now.

Hot to go

2009-02-21T02:40:00.001+08:00

I had to hand in my module choice form for the 3rd year today. Major dilemma time with staying up late to call my parents so I can have their opinions on what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I realise that I've been talking way too little to them cuz I don't even know that my dad went outstation and I forgot that my mum is now in morning school. =.=

Went for a 2 hour netball session today which was pretty chilling compared to Wednesday. Got a little amused, than peeved than just slightly bored. And I started recalling lines that would be yelled at us during my high school netball sessions.

"You call that a centre pass ah?!"
When the centre pass doesn't get to the WA or GA and me being the GA will feel uber guilty because I suck at this whole dodging and bursting out real fast.

"What kind of ball is that???"
When its a bad pass either too forward or backward or it was just plain weak with buttery fingers. My passes are always damn weak and slow. =(

Oh and the ultimate dreaded one...

"Hundred! Hyperball! "
Upon aiming for the goal with a freaking tall defender literally blocking me.

And upon failing to shoot it in, it becomes
"Okay make sure you shoot in 100 goals for that shot you missed."

I miss those times so much. I miss the camaraderie I had with my team members cuz we played together for years in high school. And I remember the year we wore our bright orange short skirts with red shirts and this school laughed at us because we looked so bright and bimbotic and we totally kicked their asses in the game. And how we would always cheer for other schools and they would cheer back for us against schools that were overly aggressive.

Warwick games is gonna be a challenge because I've only played 2 hours of netball this year. And its played on an outdoor court with weather that'll probably feel like 4-5 degrees celcius with a 20km/h wind speed. Oh and I have a huge bruise + scrape on my knee and matching ones on my elbows cuz I tripped and fell 10mins into the game. Major malufying moment. >.<

La-di-da and all aside, I watched Australia on Tuesday and I thought it was really good. Kinda epic and comedy and romantic with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman (who is so hot!). And it made me wanna revisit Australia sometime in the near future.

I think that I'm going in blind and I'm apprehensive. I don't know where the line is. And I'm not sure if I want to find the line eventhough I think I should before I falter. It always ends up like this, a nerve-ticking and indecisive process which may turn out to be pretty bad.

I realised that knowing things about people doesn't mean that you really know them.

Venetian or Swarovski

2009-02-16T01:08:00.004+08:00

Just when you have everything compartmentalised nicely, something will come tripping along and those glass boxes that neatly store all the little nick-nacks of life and keep those dangerous boundaries separate will melt and runaway down the lane into this huge, unchecked yet possibly beautiful puddle that children will dream of splashing in after a rainy afternoon.

I'm waiting for the fall that I fear will be inevitable.

Grey shirts and silk dresses

2009-02-12T02:45:00.002+08:00

Ask me again and I'll tell you the story that never was.
Dance with me again and I'll remember the innocence in us.
I'm glad we didn't go down that path or we wouldn't be what we are today.
And that is what I will always remember.

Another of the countless reasons for why I say a little prayer for you.

PMS

2009-02-08T17:12:00.000+08:00

Malaysian Night is over and life seems strangely empty. Its the expected onslaught of the PMS. Post MalaysianNight Syndrome. =P While MNight did suck up a fair bit of my time, I'll admit I could have done more if I had better time management methods and a stronger will. But for now its like, Wow, I can finally eat a meal at home without having to run off for practices. Even my body knows the difference. Having existed on averagely 5 hours sleep a day for a week, I came back last night at 3am-ish and slept till 12 and had instant noodles for lunch and took another nap. And right now after a shower I want to crawl back into bed and sleep more. And my tummy is demanding tons of food to compensate for the past 2 weeks where I eat one proper meal a day out of a takeaway box or where I just don't eat the whole day and exist on emergency chocolate and biscuits after midnight.

I have traces of mascara and eyeliner, and my skin is so dry that it took me ages to slather moisturiser all over it. And uggh, I can feel the skin of my knuckles cracking up again. Oh and I discovered this huge cylindrical-shaped bruise on the back of my thigh like I got whacked with a rotan really badly and I have no idea where the heck it came from. I don't remember falling down or getting injured in practices (muscle aches don't count right?) and I wasn't trashed at the club last night to forget banging into something that painful to cause such a bruise. And I have fingernail marks on my hand that came from digging my own nails in when I had such a bad tummy cramp 2 days before Mnight and I couldn't stand up, whatmore practice dance. And 4 very red scratch dot-marks above my right knee that I didn't know were there till I was putting on tights. And a fading bruise on my left shin that I suspect came from dikir practice. Looks like I need way more work on this 'taking more care while doing activities' thingy since my daddy isn't here to take care of my injuries and I find it near impossible to rub my own bruises.

Okay before you all think that Mnight was all work and no play, I state out loud and clear that I had a lot of fun during practices even if I had to sacrifice sleep, eating and studying time for it. Note my listing of priorities. =P I don't have any pictures cuz I didn't bring my camera but I'm sure there will be some floating around somewhere so when I discover them I shall post it up. I'm slightly dreading the dikir barat video because I knew I made mistakes and some were pretty obvious ones which should not have been made. Sigh. And I know my lovely housemates can't wait to show me the videos they took of me doing the Indian and Chinese dance.

I feel like sleeping/eating but I shall be good and start writing out a to-do list now that Mnight is over and Reading Week is here.

Let's take it from the top

2009-02-07T15:00:00.000+08:00

You were right, I had my little getaway of fun and now its time to get back to real life. A summer fling with huge glasses filled with sunshiney goodness and umbrellas in them.

Full run rehearsal is in 50 minutes. I think I'll take a catnap and shower before heading back to the theatre. In 4 hours, its curtains up.

Let the show begin.

A form of deja vu?

2009-02-06T03:30:00.003+08:00

This is so ridiculous that its not even funny. It was fittingly wrong but now it seems to be wrongly fitting perhaps? Playing around with analogies doesn't change anything.

I'm hungry and I have cramps. I need proper food and a nice warm bed.

The one question that haunts me, how different would yesterdays' me be from today?

Intersecting lines

2009-02-01T14:41:00.001+08:00

This is me stealing 20 minutes in between church and dance practice to blog instead of starting on my international law seminar due tomorrow. Lately I’ve been pretty busy to the extent that I’ve not had dinner at home for almost 2 weeks. And that’s cuz I’ve been going for dance and dikir barat practices for Warwick Malaysian Night which is this Saturday. I have absolutely no idea how my classmates who are the committee members can balance their studies and activities cause I sure as hell can’t!

This shall be a random post because random things have been happening lately. Like today, it just sleeted for awhile during mass and we had curry for lunch cuz our priest decided to cook for us and now I’m nice and warm. And like how yesterday I came home at 6am and ate sushi for breakfast before going to bed. And like how I suddenly discover and remember why I don’t like doing certain things. And like how I suddenly discover that I have random unworn clothes at the back of my closet. And like how I bought 2 umbrellas in Birmingham. And how the one I kept still has the price tag still on it. And how I found someone just like a friend of mine but different. And how she looks just the way you do. And how I keep buying food that I know I will not eat and will end up throwing away.

Random? Or just subconscious awareness?

I don’t know. You tell me. =)

History

2009-01-29T12:11:00.001+08:00

Yesterday I was afraid. Today I am empty. Strange to think that once upon a seemingly long time ago, I would have joyously perused what I feared yesterday. Ironic to think that I would now be held back by what I once thought impossible. That's life for you, playing little tricks on us.

I'll enjoy the beauty of it while it lasts. Because beyond that pretty surface, there is nothing concrete. And emptiness comes often too fast with just a fleeting touch that makes me remember.

Let me go back to where I belong.

I hear chocolate eclairs calling out my name

2009-01-21T16:32:00.000+08:00

When I let myself remember, I always have an anchor so that I can keep hold of reality and the finality of it all. I allow my self-berating pity to wash over for a bit and I'll snap out of it. And remind myself not to lose my cool or to let anyone get under my skin because I should have known better. Seriously. I have 1 hour left till I leave for badminton and practice at night and I've 2 unprepared seminars and a pounding headache. I need to get a grip on myself to shake some order and priorities back into my life.

You just can't outrun some things. Best to meet them head-on and get it over with.

This is Fashion Avenue & 34th Street. My first foray alone into NY shopping and I love this place. That Fossil shop is where I bought my watch and has this absolutely gorgeous Filipino Chinese salesguy who was raised in Brazil and looks like my godbrother. Forever 21 there is absolutely kick-ass and beats 1U's F21. But I still like the one in Soho better. =)I was snapping a random street pic when those 2 friendly workers waved for me to take their picture with very cheerful grins. What's a girl to do but to snap? (Eventhough New Yorkers were jostling me and probably cursing cuz I was blocking the flow of pavement traffic...)
Say hello to Times Square everybody! That huge building in the middle does not need to be rented out for office space because all the flashy advertisements on it covers the rent.
After a nice Japanese meal at St Marks, my sis went off to meet some friends while Robyn and I decided that the night was still young and we went to people-watch and gossip at Starbucks. We also got home at 2am that night because we didn't know better and waited forever for a train that stopped running after 10.30pm. I miss the abundance of Starbucks that can be found on every street corner. I want a special hot chocolate with tons of whipped cream right now!!!

Silver rainbows

2009-01-19T01:04:00.000+08:00

Somedays I miss you more than I thought I would.
Maybe more than what you thought I would.
Certainly not more than what she thought.

On days like these where I freefloat in limbo doing anything insubstantial to fill up the time till my equilibrium bounces back, I would give anything for my conscience to come alive and remonstratingly pat me on my cheek with love.

I know this is the one place you will not come to often. I take my chances that this will be buried under many other posts. But if it is allowed for mere wisps of pure chance to occur and you should see this and understand, it is enough that you know.

Do you remember?

Now all I have to worry about are essay results

2009-01-11T02:00:00.001+08:00

My 3 essay deadlines are over and I can finally do certain things like cooking a proper meal, watching Gossip Girl while eating and surfing the net without feeling guilty that I'm wasting time on unecessary things like this instead of mugging for my essay and my upcoming test next Thursday. I slept really early like 1am (cuz every night this week has been after 4am and Friday night was 6am) last night and had almost 12 hours of perfect, uninterrupted sleep till I suddenly woke up at 12-ish this afternoon. Gosh, its so good to have total deep sleep uninterrupted by alarms and hitting snooze buttons. Needless to say I didn't wanna get out of my warm bed and spent the next 2 hours reading a novel in bed (this is my ultimate fav thing to do) till I finally got up and went to see what my housemates were up to because the flat was so freaking quiet for a Saturday afternoon.

Uhh anyway we had a hearts rematch where my partner and I totally trounced the other two. Yay, winning the first hearts game of 2009 seems like a good start! :D And we had a round of gin which is an abridged version of gin rummy and after that we swapped Christmas gifts (yeah I know Christmas was over like 2 weeks ago but the 3 of us only came back in January and we all had essays to do mah!) So I basically had no lunch except for 2 ham sandwiches and we all lounged around chilling and discussing what interesting things to do for the weekend to celebrate our essay finishing but we are very staid people so we just ended up playing cards and having a great time. Hmm this is so turning into a primary school, 'What I did during the holidays' kinda essay except this is a 'What I did on the first weekend after essay break when I still have a test to study for' post.

Ooh and I watched 3 episodes of Gossip Girl during dinner which means I only have 2 more eps on my hard disc and I have to watch the rest online. Sigh. Why la did Bart Bass have to die? Kesian la Chuck especially since they started to reconnect... Shoot I just realised that I forgot to take my double dosage of vitamins again and I totally forgot about taking my cough medicine again. Oh wth why do I always have to remember stuff like this right before bedtime and its not good to eat vitamins at night and I don't wanna step in the cold kitchen to eat medicine. =( Anyway I realise I have a lot of travel-holiday posts to put up. Like Scotland in summer, Langkawi and Malacca with the high school gang and with the college girls, and Vietnam with my family and New York in December with my sister. Somehow I've got this feeling they won't be up anytime soon cause I have this upcoming test and I'm too lazy to grab the camera transfer cable from the drawer next to me and because I have to clear my table, attend to housework and do laundry...

Okay I wanna go somewhere during Reading Week in February but I don't know where I wanna go and I don't know who to go with. The housemates are not too keen on holidaying during that 1 week. Anybody up for a short trip to somewhere in UK or maybe Europe? And does anybody wanna go anywhere with me during my 5 weeks of Easter break? Granted I need to study and do my assignments but I have 5 weeks and currently no firm plans yet, except maybe if I can convince my parents to let me join them in New York (I would be super delighted if I could and not because of the shopping but because in the past 3 years, full family attendance at holidays have been rare with my sis and I studying abroad). I will probably go to Europe (Italy/Rome or maybe Spain?) with the housemates but all that taken into consideration and the fact that no one has confirmed anything with me yet, I am open to suggestions.

Something I realised here is that I have a very limited circle of superclose friends and the rest are just classmates or hi-bye acquaintances. And with the lack of things to do around here, its something that takes getting used to. Compared to back home where there's always something to do with someone, I just feel a little closed up here. But at the same time I'm also glad of the privacy that my anonymity brings me. No one I know from uni reads this blog (I think) and its kinda safe and nice here. Very comfort zone. And maybe what I need is to move out of it and start being more open. But its a little hard to do so and I'm not sure how to do it and if I really want to lose this anonymity that I've kinda gotten used to. Haih.

Omg, its almost 3am and I need to get up by 10am tmr so I can do something productive before going off to church. Jeez, I wish I would get tired. I mean I know that if I lie down now I will sleep but I don't like going to bed unless I'm tired cuz it feels like a waste of time to me when I can be awake and doing something else. Sigh. I guess I'll go get my camera cable out and upload pics. Okay here's a little sneak preview of NY...
Me in Upper East Side Central Park going to the Guggenheim Museum with Robyn on the day where it snowed like crazy and I didn't check the weather forecast. Snow is so pretty!!! =)

Sick and stressed out from writing

2009-01-05T23:09:00.001+08:00

I have 1500 words more to write on an international law essay which is due in 14 hours. And I only began my essay at 3pm today. I knew the consequences of not doing work properly before flying off to New York but I didn't heed them and now I'm paying the price. I have no outline for my essay but I'm just skimming through legal journals and picking up whatever points I can. I don't even understand the question. I have a cough, cold and sore throat and on my 6th cup of hot honey lemon water for self-medication but its getting much harder to focus.

I do not know why I bother torturing myself. Every term at this point of time I ask myself again why I'm doing law when I don't burn with the passion for it. Why do I put myself through something that I find interesting and motivating only on occasion. And even so, that moment lasts fleetingly. I obviously need to stop skating through university life and set some attainable goals. God I haven't finished my internship applications. I am so dead.

And the most ironic part is, I knew all these would happen and I let it happen. =S

The worst part is I have a 100% graded 3500 word essay due this Friday which I have yet to start on and for once, I am quite worried of the possibility of failing/doing really badly and barely passing this module. I cannot afford to fail this one because it will mean coming back earlier to retake it in autumn and my parents will be so disappointed because I went holidaying and jeopardised my grades and I will be utterly ashamed of myself because so far, I have yet to fail any module/exam that counted. *touchwoodtouchwoodtouchwood*

Sometimes, I think that I am one of those people destined for normal mediocrity and I will graduate with average grades and do some boring job and marry someone and have kids and become a housewife (God forbid this should happen because I think I'd hate part of me to allow my education to go to waste unless I live one of those rich tai-tai's lifestyle which is currently barely contemplable) and basically just be an average person. Blah.

You may ignore all the above as whining because yes, that is what I'm doing.

I have tons of H&M and Forever 21 bags scattered on my floor that are filled with new clothes that need to be laundered. I can't wait for my essays to be done and for my class test to be over. Perhaps than life will be back to normal and I hopefully will not slide down into the skating through university life again.

I do not know why I wasted 10 minutes writing this when I can be skimming through more journals for points that I can copy-paste-and-edit into my essay. I must be really stressed.

Wish me luck in surviving till next Thursday, everybody!=)

Hello big apple!!!

2008-12-17T02:00:00.000+08:00

I'm finally getting my dosage of big, beautiful city energy! And I was greeted by snow falling fast in little little flakes and it does look very pretty from my first NYC yellow taxi ride (even if the driver took some time searching for my sister's address on his GPS and it cost a bomb)!

My sister's place is cozy (in reality it means rather small), and I can honestly say that I miss my Liberty Park room. Oh well, its a small price to pay for getting to spend 2 weeks here. =)

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, except check out the laundry and metro cuz my sister is making me do her housework =.= and I need to figure out how to get around town. I'm tempted to just pop into a Starbucks with my lappie and international law notes but as I recall, I do not have a T-mobile internet account which means no wifi for me. Sigh. I'm thinking New York Public Library or Central Park or maybe some little cafe by the sidewalk..

I foresee no work getting done, especially once I meet up with Robyn and we go gadding about the city. And I ashamedly will admit that all I did on the flight was read 20 pages on TWAIL essays, watched Journey to the Centre of the Earth, Wall-E, catnapped and chit-chatted with the guy next to me who is in the cocoa industry and travels all over the world. So much for my work on the plane resolution which I tried to uphold by not bringing a single story book. Not even my 'The Undercover Economist' which I have yet to finish. That my friends, is the measure of how serious I am. Okay I seriously need to crash cuz now is 7am UK time and my internal clock is a little jumbled up. Plus, I need to be up by 8.30am tmr. Beauty sleep calls!

Ennui really is the last straw

2008-12-15T01:52:00.001+08:00

I'm going to New York tomorrow but I don't feel anything.

Back than I used to get really excited and would even finish packing for long holidays a couple of days before I fly. But this time, the jadedness that I've been trying to hide ate into my excitement leaving me weary and grey. I haven't put anything in my suitcase and I've got a long list of errands to be done. Not to mention a hell of a lot of unfinished work that I know I won't be able to do on the trip that I'll be worrying a lot about when the deadlines inch nearer.

Where are you my conscience?

This trip feels like I'm running away. But I don't know if I'm running away from something or running towards something. This nonchalant, uncaring, stoned air of taking things for granted is ruffling me up. Deep down inside I know that I need my verve back. This is what the trip is for, what I hope and need it to be. I'm going to the Big Apple where there will be loads of energy, colour and light. Anything to pep-start me back to life. To remove the memories, the scars, the mental blocks, the remembering, the lassitude, the disconnection.

I don't quite know what I'm searching for, someone told me he found his answers there.

I hope I find mine as well.

Will you ever read this?

2008-12-14T23:46:00.001+08:00

My favourite summer night was the one where we were watching a late night show, comfortably ensconced in old friendships and laughter from the natural-awkward humour and atmosphere. In the dark I wanted to smile and lean into you so that your solid presence could flow over me like a balm both healing and rejuvenating. It reminded me of the other time where it was so similar yet different because the current history than was not what it is now.

I ask nor deserve nothing more than what you have given freely. To take and not give is not the way it should be. If I am to lean on you, I would want you to lean on me and accept what I can give. Nothing more, nothing less.

On that summer night I was tempted, my intuition sensing that you wouldn't withold me this.

But I smiled and told myself, "Knowing this is enough."

I need help with my international law essay

2008-12-08T16:31:00.001+08:00

I've been in the library since 1pm and nothing concrete written down except one measly line,

"What is TWAIL?"

TWAIL stands for Third World Approach to International Law.

One pathetic line and I'm bored to my eyebrows of internationl law. This does not bode well for my ambitious aim to finish 2 essays before heading off to coffee country next Tuesday. :( Along with my scrambled plans for travel. Screwed is the buzzword right now. =.=

Yesterday I was eating hotpot with my flatmate and we literally spent 6 hours, from 7pm to 1am making sushi for today's lunch in the library and preparing our hotpot food. The both of us actually parked ourselves in front of the rice cooker for 3 freaking hours simply eating and chatting and bcuz my watch kinda stopped working and there was no clock in the living area, we had no idea it was past midnight till my other flatmate came out and told us it was 12.30!

Sigh. I am very worried. For myself, for others and for my organiser which is chock-a-block full of things that I have yet to do and need to be done like, yesterday.

Wtf. Too many wtf's are bad for me.

Okay my conscience just came online. Time for me to stop blogging, start writing something down for my essay and get myself off to library's 4th floor to do some essay research.

Tea, a drink with jam and bread

2008-12-04T23:24:00.001+08:00

I have a final seminar tomorrow at 9am before the hols kick in but I am in no mood to study which is why I am sitting here at 11.25pm staring at a 60 page document I have to read and analyze by 9am tomorrow.

Oh wtf. =.=

Or as my flatmate says, "Oh, jam it!"

I don't know how, but I have made it through before and I will make it through again. Somehow. Keep your fingers crossed for me. And bless all my dear friends who were concerned enough to provide me a little cheer in their own ways.

I have a package waiting downstairs for me at reception. It is most probably my International Law casebook which I ordered from Amazon a couple of days back, or it could be a surprise Christmas present from someone!

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping its the latter even when I'm 99.99999% sure its the book. =P

Edited: I got an email from my dad titled "Xmas present" so I'm thinking the mysterious package might be a gift after all. Hehe... I'm so excited!!! Receiving parcels even when you've paid for it and you know the content is exciting, so whatmore if there's a chance that its a mystery gift! C'mon everybody, cross your fingers for meeeee!

Because Tuesdays are different from Thursdays

2008-12-02T11:27:00.000+08:00

I want to say a lot of things but I cannot. I am angry with you, but mostly with myself. I hate how messy I let it be but I still didn't do enough. I don't know why I'm doing law when most days, my heart doesn't feel like its in it. And most of all, I don't know why there isn't a nice quiet Starbucks or cafe where I can just sit and think and be alone. Except well, you might drop in there and buy me a drink and teach me better.

I love Tuesdays because I have only one class.
But sometimes I hate waking up to an empty house like today.

I used to chide people for becoming stressed out. And I would try to joke them out of it. I am now a victim, and I commiserate.

Gotta shower and eat something before my 12.21 bus to uni. Going for carolling service tonight, and maybe dinner out. =)

I'll swing left and you'll step right

2008-11-26T09:41:00.003+08:00

Its 2am and I have yet to take a bath and I still have European Union seminar work to finish so that I can complete my Criminal Process and Constitutional & Administrative law seminar tomorrow night so that this weekend I can hopefully cross-off some tasks on my to-do list.

Wtf, November is coming to an end and I'm still in the "beginning-of-term I just came back to UK" mental frame. And why is my chronic cough getting worse despite my abstinence from drinking cold drinks and why la do I feel like I'm gonna get a nosebleed real soon? =.=

I think its a bit childish but I cannot help feeling that way because its like wth now you make the decision when you could have made a decision earlier so that it can all go well (at least for me and I'm also sure it wouldn't really throw you off-track) but no you have to leave it till now. But then I realised that its quite selfish of me because I still get the benefit and therefore whichever way the decision is made it really shouldn't be a big deal. And I think it could be possibly pretty good for me in a sense if I make the best out of it.

Whew, what was that all about?!

I am not going to stop work and go to bed because I know once I take a nice warm shower I will go into my preparing-for-bedtime mode and my work will be half finished.

I want to meet someone who knows how the game is supposed to be played.
It would be a refreshing change.

Where it ebbs and flows with the sweet smell of candy apples

2008-11-24T23:59:00.004+08:00

I wanted to write a soul-searching post but I'm not sure about what I want to write, or rather what I dare to write after looking within. There's still those days where I don't understand the world, or you or even myself, or how I would come to think and feel this way. Too many slides, too many people, too many masks and roles and holding back. On some days my skin fits perfectly on me and on other days the rough edges snags on a jagged nail, stopping me cold.

I'm smart enough to realise that I don't know and understand fully what I want and envy but I'm not that smart enough to stay away from things that sway too far to the edge for my own good. I crave for different things at different times and I don't understand why.

I love not with blazing desire but with a quiet glow that sometimes flickers and strengthens, sometimes nearly forgotten, sometimes seemingly extinguished with a preparatory brace of hope and disappointment but somehow, somewhere, it is still alive.

What would you say if you knew that I loved that person? And what would you think of me if you heard what I told her? Would you judge me or would you look at me awkwardly or would you pat my hand and tell me that it will be alright?

I really don't know. And sometimes I think that I don't care. But than you come along and remind me of the why's and the reasons to curb and to yield. And that everything has a pricetag that has to be paid either by me or by someone else.

Don't spoil me this one time, let me pay this one on my own. You have already paid and bought for me chances one too many times, knowingly and unknowingly.

But if I fall, than help me up so that I may learn.

With care, something that beats whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles

2008-11-23T17:40:00.001+08:00

I finally bought a heater after spending a very cold night huddled under my blankets cuz it was -2 degrees celcius last night and Liberty Park's heaters don't seem to give out enough warmth.

My toes are being warmed by my new heater and the rest of me is warmed by my dear lovely flatmate who made me a mug of hot chocolate after hearing me whine and panic about tomorrow's 2 seminars and the fact that I would love to have a McD's, a Starbucks and a Chinese restaurant serving home-cooked food on the same street as my flat. Its nice to have housemates who are friends instead of strangers...

I'm so screwed cuz I have International Law seminar and Consumer & Contracting seminar to prep for, which means at least 120 pages to read, 9 structural &1 problem question to answer.

Nevermind, I will die tomorrow and come back to life on Tuesday when there is badminton and tonight there is rump steak, salad and eclairs to look forward to for dinner!

Go me!!! =D

Discounting the discounts

2008-11-20T10:07:00.000+08:00

Marks & Spencer has a 20% discount on all items (excluding food) today and I can't go to look look see see because my schedule today is jam-packed with classes and I'm still preparing for my Criminal Process seminar which coincidentally talks about plea bargainings and 'discounts' that offenders get off their sentence if they plead guilty at first reasonable opportunity!

*cross fingers and hope for another discount day*

Back to reading my textbook while my hungry tummy rumbles...

Will you be for me or against me?

2008-11-18T02:35:00.000+08:00

I want to bury myself in a cocoon under fluffy comforters where I can feel safe knowing that in the darkness no matter what, there is that shelter of warmth and protection. Where I can close my eyes and let it all drift away and there's nothing but the sound of silence.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

The happy plastic twinge

2008-11-16T21:42:00.001+08:00

I have 3 bloody seminars tomorrow and I'm taking a trip down memory lane when I don't have time for shit like that. Why la am I such a sucker for things that will make me wanna kick myself later on?! If you ever discover why, please tell me and I will give you my stash of Lindt truffles!

Hmm, I realise that I use a heck of a lot of profanities. Tsk tsk.

Right now it feels like I won't ever say goodbye.

And that is a very comforting feeling.

Green fishbubbles that I have

2008-11-16T01:44:00.001+08:00

My dad e-mailed me saying that my cousins got 5A's for their UPSR this year and one of them is from the school that is top in the Wilayah district again and I hope they didn't kick my old school's butt in terms of results! Her school even had a mini convocation on results day and loads of parents attended along with reporters from The Star. In my time, all we had were teachers pinning up results sheets and students swarming all over them. As for parental attendance, lets just say that if you wanted to tell your parents immediately, you had to queue up for the public phone cuz mobiles were huge and couldn't be snuck in and we didn't have one of our own!

Oh oh oh and did I mention both my cousins are girls? Hehe. The girl tradition continues... =)

Anyway, out of curiosity I googled to see how well SKTM did this year and I couldn't find the results but what I found was pretty interesting. The PTA of the school has its own blog now and that 12 year-old students have their own blogs and digital cameras and mobiles. Sigh. When I was 12 I didn't even have MSN. =S Oh how times have changed... I saw some pictures and things seemed to have changed quite a bit, my beloved fishpond looks different now, the science lab looks much older but with funkier-shaped tables and they have freaking amazing ICT labs! Even the annual collectmoremoney-thon prizes are wonderful things like iPods and cameraphones instead of BMX bikes! School syllabus seems more interesting with robotics experiments and whatnots and on an overall, my old school seems to be doing pretty good. I think I'll go back and take a little look-see next summer if I do go back home..

Something a little funny and scary at the same time, the internet can be so small at times that it feels kinda weird in a 'omg did that's so funny-weird but how on earth can it happen cuz the chances are like what, near to impossible and its a bit freaky that it happened?!'

You ask me what I believe in?

And I'd tell you that I believe in a good many things at different times, but I'll always believe in you. That you are watching out for me in your own way and helping me smile when I can't seem to do it on my own.

Just because, you know

2008-11-14T19:54:00.002+08:00

I feel so relieved that its another week of classes over but at the same time worried because time is running out and I've got a lot of things to do in the short-term (like within the next 2 weeks) and I have yet to start on them. Super stressing out with pimples, though I suspect that is more due to late sleeping and fried, unhealthy food.

Lately the temperatures been dropping and it gets dark by 4pm but today's moon was spotted at 5.30pm and it was simply large and glowing and so awe-inspiring that it kinda makes up for it. I've seen some of the most beautiful night scenes here in UK; luminously soft rays with twinkling stars among the velvet blackness of the sky in the crispy cold air. It makes you feel a little warmer as you're huddling by the bustop waiting for the bus with bags of groceries.

Today, I started down the slippery slope of seminar skipping. I slept at 2am last night and couldn't drag myself out of bed for my 9am constitutional seminar and I'm a little disappointed at myself because I did the work, I rather like the subject and because I wanted to have a perfect record of attendance after last year. And also because I could have made it, albeit a lot of rushing and a little late entrance but I was too lazy to do it. Sigh.

On a random note, I really like my table lamp and I don't know how I managed to survive in UK without it previously. And I foresee that I shall need to get a heater when winter really sets in or I shall freeze because I persist in wearing short-sleeve tops under my coat and shorts at home.

Its a bit weird because I don't know what who is saying about whom and I'm curious in a way but I don't think I shall find out. I guess its a small world after all and I think its all meant in a friendly way. *crosses fingers* On another note, I'm really missing all my friends who aren't in Coventry and I don't know how many of you actually read this so if you do, I would love it if you dropped me a comment/IM/e-mail (cuz I really like getting e-mails that are not just the usual forwards)!

Just a little cheer-upper on what consumerism can do for your mood! =) The Radley bag is for my sister, the cardholder purse is for Crystal's birthday and the Estee Lauder Beyond Paradise perfume is for me which smells really yummy!

I've got a couple of posts in the brewing but I shall watch my dramas and have a good round of Mario Kart Wii and cards tonight with my dear housemates first!

7 tiny buttons

2008-11-11T05:14:00.003+08:00

I've finally realised the joys of wearing thin, buttery-soft cotton cardigans under coats. Note to self, cardigan and long-sleeved top spree coming up this weekend!

The weather was freezing today and I could barely stop shivering like a spastic idiot while waiting for the bus. And I got bus sick again today. Bother all number 12 bus drivers who speed and do sudden brakes and swerve up on curbs! As though the Monday blues ain't bad enough... My elbows are starting to feel sore and crackly each time they come into contact with something eventhough I put oodles of lotion on them. Any recommendations to avoid that?

I don't really have a reason for blogging today, except to say that dinner consists of 6 grapes, 5 prawns and 1 scone with cream and jam. And that's because I had chicken takeaway with the girls for tea after classes!

Oh oh oh and I really really like Gossip Girl! I remember reading the books some years back and I wasn't too impressed by them which was why I kept putting off watching the show. But I was hooked onto it by the first 2 minutes of the 1st episode which tells you how deliciously yummy the show is. Quick go watch it all of you people who haven't already done so!

I'm going to watch some drama and have a nice warm shower and relax because tomorrow I have no tutorials and I get to play some badminton finally. Yay!

Consumerism makes me feel better today

2008-11-07T12:02:00.004+08:00

Because I've been so wordy, this is for all you people who don't like reading my rambles. =P

London on 5th October at Canary Wharf where I went to watch Les Miserables with Kah Yang and his friend. The theatre was small and the steps were so steep that I was terrified and clutching on the the railing cuz if I fell, it seemed like I would topple straight down to the stage which was a far way down. LM was a good watch, perhaps a tad long but I really enjoyed it cuz I read the book and the singing was great. Had my much craved for Malaysian food and headed back to Yang's place which is much nicer and bigger than mine. Slept at 6am that morning and was supposed to go to mass at Westminster Cathedral but failed because parts of the Underground wasn't working, hence no transport. The Canary Wharf tube station leads off into this really posh office buildings along with nice restaurants where we ate Nando's which is gazillion times better than Msia's Nando's and very nice shops.

You like the dress the mannequin's wearing? Take a closer look.... Yeap, that's right, her dress and the stand is made out of Financial Times!
The shops, which looks like a PJ mall except when you realise the clothes are way more high-fashion and the price tag way more exorbitant, even with the exchange rate of 5.7. My attempt to take a surrounding picture of the Canary Wharf area which is a high-financial area which means very posh and expensive. I managed to capture 2 iconic London signs in it, the red-double decker and the Underground sign which is pretty tiny in this pic....
After my complaints that my surrounding pic wasn't nice, Kah Yang decided to show me how it was done and took the above picture. Very, very nice Kah Yang. =P But you managed to capture the bane of last year's life, the HSBC which took away my shopping money...=(Classy areas can't be just all modern buildings, must also have some greenery...the weather wasn't too good cuz it was raining as usual.

Next up is Birmingham, the 2nd largest city in UK which has the largest mall in UK and supposedly Europe as well. I went there to celebrate a flatmate's birthday and we had Malaysian food which they all loved! =)
Birmingham City Gallery I think...its quite a nice old building spoilt by the 2 red poppies on the balcony. There were people selling this paper poppies in memory of the WWII.
Birmingham town hall which kinda reminds me of a Roman or Greek classic building. I love how UK has so many of this old-fashioned buildings along with clean, modern ones. I don't know who this gentleman was, but he was holding papers that said 'Free Vote', 'Liberty', 'Democracy' and all such pleasant things.
Me looking very chubby on the side view of the gallery. Gosh, I really need to step up the salads and decrease the snacking. =(
A random picture because it was lousy weather and all grey...
McDonald's, America's little stamp on the rest of the world. I have decided to take pictures of McD's and Starbucks in every new place that I go to just to do a tally of places I've visited.
The Bullring, the famous shopping mall. I only covered like maybe 10% in the 3 hours I was there? This place is super huge and I can't wait to go back there again. Ooh and I bought a very comfy grey sweater from MNG in the picture for 15 pounds only to discover 4 days later at Primark that there was a similar design for 4 pounds. Nevermind...quality counts! =P
Watching people stream past colourful shops makes me glad...Imma city girl all right.
St. Martin's church which is located at the bottom of the avenue of the above picture. Imagine going for mass on Sunday morning than having UK's largest mall just a few steps away... The birthday girl, Crystal is in this picture eventhough she doesn't realise it. Hehe. The 7th Starbucks I've seen in Birmingham and I've only been to the train station, the town hall area and the mall which is really close by. I discovered that Body Shop here sells 3 extra body butter flavours which I think Malaysia doesn't sell, coconut shimmer, Japanese cherry blossom and Moringa which smells so good that I'd have bought it if it was on promotion. Sadly, I haven't found a Body Shop that sells stuff cheaper than Malaysia...
I thought Borders back home was decent, but this one puts it to shame with 4 freaking stories!

There will be more Birmingham pictures coming up along with Coventry pictures as soon as I can get them from my flatmate. I've gotta go do some Consumer and Commercial Contracting work because I've been up since 10am and done no studying nor cooking and I'm hungry!

Orange wooden tables

2008-11-02T19:30:00.003+08:00

I loved this person long before I realised it and I will continue to do so because I cannot and will not stop myself. And that, is a good thing because there is more to it than just that.

On to more prosaic things, I am going out to watch Quantum of Solace, the new James Bond show in exactly 75 minutes time and I have yet to bathe and make dinner. I am obviously still the same girl who runs out of the door 5 minutes late juggling her mobile and her handbag.

Reading week has come to town!

2008-11-02T14:00:00.003+08:00

Its the start of reading week and I'm lovin' it!!!

Went to Birmingham yesterday afternoon to celebrate my flatmate's birthday and I bought something and took pictures eventhough the weather was not very nice. Pictures will come later I promise. Had Malaysian food and my pricey but beloved laksa and other food that I will not normally gush over back home but here the home-cooked taste and extortionate price sets me to lavish praise on it.

Am going marketing soon and I need to get dressed because I've been eating brunch and playing Wii in my dressing gown and I missed mass today too. I'll be back! =)

Jack of diamonds

2008-10-31T03:52:00.000+08:00

I'm updating this more than my facebook or MSN. This is ridiculously humourous.

I want something that you can't give.

Not one less

2008-10-30T22:52:00.000+08:00

These days, I'm afraid to watch movies that seem like they won't have happy endings.

Alliterative silence in black and white

2008-10-26T07:08:00.001+08:00

At the end of the day I realise that I'm just an unhappy girl who doesn't know where she's going nor what she wants. And I'm too old to be little anymore and to have my sadness taken away completely by people who love me because I know I have to stand on my own but I don't know how to do it when the reason I do it for seems to have faded away to nothingness. I have issues to deal with. I have myself to deal with. I need to learn and I need to discover something very very swiftly or I will float in a grey limbo. Compartmentalising everything to be sorted out later comes with a price, a pair of aching shoulders.

I wished I wasn't so far away from home.

To paper bags that beckon so invitingly

2008-10-24T11:31:00.001+08:00

Fridays are becoming blogging days for me cuz I have 3 hours to spare and I'm too lazy to start preparing for next weeks seminar even though I know I will regret my decision when Sunday evening comes and I have yet to start. :(

Anyway, I went outlet shopping to Bicester Village which is about an hour away from Coventry. The place had a nice set up, cute looking village like stores but they tend to sell lots of British brands like Burberry, Radley, Ted Baker, Jigsaw, Jaeger and the list goes on. Needless to say, being on a student budget we walked around and saw lots of very pretty things that came with a price tag that would cost a months rent at least! That and the fact that loads of the stuff sold was very good for the more hip and office working that is also trendy girl but not quite the laidback style that I tend to go for. Slightly disappointed with Ralph Lauren and Burberry because their selection wasn't as varied as I expected. Oh wells... The only thing I bought for myself was some Estee Lauder perfume that I've been wanting to get and that was a tad cheaper than normal. And I got my sister a Radley bag which she has been hankering for cuz she can't get Radley in NY and my flatmates and I bought our other flatmate this slim purse+card holder for her upcoming birthday. Nearly got myself a really cute purse which had this little icon dog sticking out of it and it came in pink! But since both my flatmates wanted to get similar versions of it, I decided to hold out and search for something else at other shops.

We left after 3 hours of shopping to go for lunch at a nearby pub which was my very first meal at the homey-warm Englishy pub which really had a nice atmosphere but the food was nothing to shout about. Wanted to double back to the outlet to go to Puma to buy sneakers cuz they were going for less than 30 pounds a pair and they had a buy 1 free 1 deal but was too lazy so we decided to just head home and play Wii. =P Overally, I would rate the trip as alright but that's due to personal taste and imposed-restrictions on budget. However, it seems to be quite popular as it was fairly crowded for a Saturday morning.

Been attending some presentations by UK top law firms like Clifford Chance and Allen & Overy and their academic requirements are at least a 2:1 and you're expected to have a host of other skills as well because their vacation positions are very very competitive. So I can pretty much rule out the possibility of getting an internship at any big firm but I shall still apply and be positive because I need an internship this summer! My plans for summer are still unknowned because I have an open ticket but I am determined to stay in UK and work and figure out accomodation and all such mundane details. One thing I've gotta say, all this law firms sure spend lots of money on promotions cuz there brochures are super fabulous and they give out freebies like nice-looking pens, thumbdrives, cute little notepads. Oh and there's always champagne and wine and finger food after the presentation. Yesterday, there were a bunch of us standing around the buffet table and munching and well basically keeping to ourselves when a thought struck me. What if the recruiting people think that we're just here for the freebies and not interested in asking smart questions and they will think all Asians are like that?! To be honest, I did munch quite a fair bit so that I wouldn't have to cook dinner later. But its justifiable cuz I knew I'd be back late and I had a seminar to prepare for. =)

I have 1.5 hours till my next seminar and an unopened chicken and bacon club sandwich calling out for my attention. The weekend beckons along with all other pleasures like sleeping in, reading non-study materials, eating proper food while watching DVDs, playing Wii and basically de-stressing from the hectic week until Monday comes again. Toodles!

Red bricks and grey walls

2008-10-21T16:11:00.002+08:00

Woke up today to a cold and quiet house. Kitchen looked superficially clean because I washed up last night and nobody did much cooking anyway. I hate tip-toeing on the damn linoleum but with me its an automatic reaction. Sunlight streaming in through the window as I peep out. So glaring but so chilly. An appetizer of winter that I will throughly dislike. A backpack boy crosses the inner yard and I quickly pull my head back so that he can't see me in my morning deshabille because the windows aren't tinted. Why does the silk crackle with static when it slips off?

Messy tables, laundry and other mundane chores loom glaringly like black marks on the day that I choose to cut class. Spicy instant noodles and dramas don't help much. Even the fragrance of Crabtree & Evelyn's rosewater lotion dissipates too swiftly till there is nothing but an occasional, faint tinge. I don't want to be here today. Maybe I won't mind tomorrow, but just not today. If I could buy happiness in a pretty box I would. Or material temporary joy would do for now but I don't know what to buy despite endless browsing through shops.

I can see vases and flowers on the window sills of other apartments and it soothes my stubbed toes. Don't send me chocolate today but send me flowers. Without any thorns, please.

Because the unexpected happens more often than expected

2008-10-17T11:11:00.000+08:00

I am being super-perky at the Learning Grid at 10.48am despite a 9am Constitutional and Administration Law seminar and 5.5 hours of sleep! Utter madness I tell you. =)

Why I'm so upbeat? Its cuz I did something right again for my EU seminar and my tutor said I did good. Whee!!! And this was the module that I was all prepared to loathe becuz of stupid podcasting that doesn't count in our final grade and the fact that it will be a 100% exam-based assesment and the fact that I know the EU syllabus is wider than the freaking Sahara Desert! On the contrary, the module I was expecting to be really interested in like The Criminal Process has gotten me down cuz of the not very interesting lecturer and tutor. I mean, c'mon, you guys are talking about police tv stuff like interrogation techniques, stop and search procedures and stuff that is supposed to be thrilling and here I am covering my umpteenth yawn in your 1 hour lecture. I am starting to regret not taking Competition Law but I know I deserve it for not being decisive and able to choose whether to stick to the criminal or commercial side of law. =(

Anyway, I am in a good mood cuz I am going outlet shopping tomorrow at Bicester North and I intend to come back home with loads of stuff and I may also detour to Oxford tomorrow to try out the 'heavenly salmon' (as my friend calls it!) at this Japanese restaurant. And maybe take a few more pictures if the weather is good. *crosses fingers*.

Lately I've been feeling much better in quite some time when I finally realised that I was taking time out for myself and to concentrate on important things like studying and having fun and just being a regular student. And as I now do more preparation for my seminars, they have turned out to be pretty interesting cuz I know what the tutor is saying and can actually contribute something instead of keeping silent cuz I'm not sure of what I know and I don't wanna embarass myself in front of all my smart classmates. Call me kiasu, but it really does feel worth it when you can answer questions rightly and properly! I'm just feeling a wee bit homesick cuz I got e-mails from my parents and my brother who has discovered the tab with loads of emoticons so his email is peppered liberally with colourful little things. I swear my brother is the most adorable brother ever!!! And he makes me feel guilty for not being around to celebrate his birthday with him or to just bring him around to where he wants to go and to get stuff for him that he wants. I do regret not spending more time with him during the summer cuz I know that childhood passes fleetingly and some of the closest years where he's still a kid that I can grab and hug whenever I want to will be gone before I know it.

This 3 hours are probably the most unproductive time in uni cuz its a Friday and I have no more seminars this week and I don't quite feel the urge yet to start prepping for next weeks seminar. One thing about being in the Learning Grid so early is that there are loads of seats and I found this hideaway corner with a comp and lovely table where I'm blogging right now and it has loads of privacy until I just realised that there's a window behind me where everyone on the staircase outside can see what I'm doing and the stupid Venetian blinds won't come down. It will be embarassing to have the staff pass by and see me playing puzzle bobble when I am supposed to be studying. Oh what the heck, I guess I'll just start on my turkey and bacon sandwich and read some Sherlock Holmes mysteries (I know I'm a nerdish bookworm but don't criticise Sherlock Holmes okay >.<) while waiting for my next lecture.

p/s: My sandwich doesn't taste good. =( I wish that the uni would allow a branch of McD's, Subway and Starbucks to set up shop on campus, than I would be one happy student!

Send me a mug full of happiness pretty please?

2008-10-03T22:22:00.002+08:00

I always come back to this the way a child goes to her favourite blanket when she takes a fall and needs something warm to snuggle up to and dry her tears. And eventhough I've abandoned it and walked on my own for awhile, its still there waiting for me.

Its ironic, I know that I'm in a down mood and I can have the option of hardwork to push it away or to feed it with drama-induced hours of staged joy but I choose to be self-indulgent and wallow in depression and make myself feel worse. What's wrong with me? Tsk tsk.

I guess its the lack of family warmth and real warmth (cause today's a very cold day also) and friends and places to go and things that I want to do that also needs doing all adds up to this misery mode of depression. Kinda stuck in limbo because I'm done with all the manic unpacking and buying but I still haven't kicked into my studying mode though I know there are hundreds of pages waiting to be read by next Monday. I just want sympathy and to be emo for awhile. =(

This summer has been sort of unusually weird in a way because well, just because. And I discovered a lot that I wouldn't have discovered otherwise. Its all so stupid, but with the clarity of hindsight, everything seems so unbelievable. Don't sway and play around with it, just decide why don't you and stop analysing while you're at it.

Would you really do it for me?

I don't know. I think you just might on that level, but maybe you wouldn't. But it doesn't really matter anyway because its the thought that counts, besides being unexpectedly sweet and it helped me see the sunlight just for a bit. Merci beaucoup.

I am off to take a nice warm bath and maybe my appetite for proper food will return.