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Flickering lights
11:52 PM
Flickering lights

Fingers dancing over the keyboard forming words that you don't really see as you don't focus your eyes on the screen because watching those words spring to life is too painful. You stare blankly to the right, staring at the bottle or the speakers, at anything but the white screen because its just too painful to look at. You quickly glance up to give it a two-second onceover to ensure that you didn't just spew out unintelligible gibberish that would only add to the confusion. Nothing more than two seconds because you know the lump in your throat will get worse and your eyes will fill up with tears that comes from the heavyness in your heart that seems so dark tonight. And you know you can't let the tears fall, because if they fall tonight, they'll be falling on every other night like this and you know that you simply can't afford that luxury.

Some things are inevitable. What you do when those inevitable things come calling is what makes the difference. And some things, once done or said, cannot be undone or unsaid. You can't erase a memory the way you would delete a picture from a digital camera. No matter how much you try to isolate it and hurl it into nothingness, the traces will always be there.

Are you really able to accept the truth to the questions you're asking? And if you're not able to accept the answers, should you ask those questions? Because some answers can hurt, no matter how you try to dress it up and soften the hard edges. If you could walk back to that point in time, what would you have said and done had you known what it would have been like? What would I have done? Would I have tried to fire the shots a little harder and sharper so that they'd have hit the target? I thought I did what I thought I had to do. It wasn't something I wanted to do, believe me when I say I didn't enjoy doing it. But to simply let it hover there just out of sight for the moment wasn't something I could bring myself to do either.

Time goes on, it doesn't come to a grinding halt while you ponder on the reality of certain things. What do you make of reality this time round? Reality holds so many options that seem possible and yet impossible at the same time. And the clock is ticking quietly, a constant reminder.

Take away the trappings and bells and whistles and you'll see that some things don't have to and won't have to change if you hold on to it and keep it safe.

Written on Saturday, June 30, 2007; 11:52 PM


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