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History
12:11 PM
History

Yesterday I was afraid. Today I am empty. Strange to think that once upon a seemingly long time ago, I would have joyously perused what I feared yesterday. Ironic to think that I would now be held back by what I once thought impossible. That's life for you, playing little tricks on us.

I'll enjoy the beauty of it while it lasts. Because beyond that pretty surface, there is nothing concrete. And emptiness comes often too fast with just a fleeting touch that makes me remember.

Let me go back to where I belong.

Written on Thursday, January 29, 2009; 12:11 PM
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I hear chocolate eclairs calling out my name
4:32 PM
I hear chocolate eclairs calling out my name

When I let myself remember, I always have an anchor so that I can keep hold of reality and the finality of it all. I allow my self-berating pity to wash over for a bit and I'll snap out of it. And remind myself not to lose my cool or to let anyone get under my skin because I should have known better. Seriously. I have 1 hour left till I leave for badminton and practice at night and I've 2 unprepared seminars and a pounding headache. I need to get a grip on myself to shake some order and priorities back into my life.

You just can't outrun some things. Best to meet them head-on and get it over with.

This is Fashion Avenue & 34th Street. My first foray alone into NY shopping and I love this place. That Fossil shop is where I bought my watch and has this absolutely gorgeous Filipino Chinese salesguy who was raised in Brazil and looks like my godbrother. Forever 21 there is absolutely kick-ass and beats 1U's F21. But I still like the one in Soho better. =)I was snapping a random street pic when those 2 friendly workers waved for me to take their picture with very cheerful grins. What's a girl to do but to snap? (Eventhough New Yorkers were jostling me and probably cursing cuz I was blocking the flow of pavement traffic...)
Say hello to Times Square everybody! That huge building in the middle does not need to be rented out for office space because all the flashy advertisements on it covers the rent.
After a nice Japanese meal at St Marks, my sis went off to meet some friends while Robyn and I decided that the night was still young and we went to people-watch and gossip at Starbucks. We also got home at 2am that night because we didn't know better and waited forever for a train that stopped running after 10.30pm. I miss the abundance of Starbucks that can be found on every street corner. I want a special hot chocolate with tons of whipped cream right now!!!

Written on Wednesday, January 21, 2009; 4:32 PM
2 comments
Silver rainbows
1:04 AM
Silver rainbows

Somedays I miss you more than I thought I would.
Maybe more than what you thought I would.
Certainly not more than what she thought.

On days like these where I freefloat in limbo doing anything insubstantial to fill up the time till my equilibrium bounces back, I would give anything for my conscience to come alive and remonstratingly pat me on my cheek with love.

I know this is the one place you will not come to often. I take my chances that this will be buried under many other posts. But if it is allowed for mere wisps of pure chance to occur and you should see this and understand, it is enough that you know.

Do you remember?

Written on Monday, January 19, 2009; 1:04 AM
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Now all I have to worry about are essay results
2:00 AM
Now all I have to worry about are essay results

My 3 essay deadlines are over and I can finally do certain things like cooking a proper meal, watching Gossip Girl while eating and surfing the net without feeling guilty that I'm wasting time on unecessary things like this instead of mugging for my essay and my upcoming test next Thursday. I slept really early like 1am (cuz every night this week has been after 4am and Friday night was 6am) last night and had almost 12 hours of perfect, uninterrupted sleep till I suddenly woke up at 12-ish this afternoon. Gosh, its so good to have total deep sleep uninterrupted by alarms and hitting snooze buttons. Needless to say I didn't wanna get out of my warm bed and spent the next 2 hours reading a novel in bed (this is my ultimate fav thing to do) till I finally got up and went to see what my housemates were up to because the flat was so freaking quiet for a Saturday afternoon.

Uhh anyway we had a hearts rematch where my partner and I totally trounced the other two. Yay, winning the first hearts game of 2009 seems like a good start! :D And we had a round of gin which is an abridged version of gin rummy and after that we swapped Christmas gifts (yeah I know Christmas was over like 2 weeks ago but the 3 of us only came back in January and we all had essays to do mah!) So I basically had no lunch except for 2 ham sandwiches and we all lounged around chilling and discussing what interesting things to do for the weekend to celebrate our essay finishing but we are very staid people so we just ended up playing cards and having a great time. Hmm this is so turning into a primary school, 'What I did during the holidays' kinda essay except this is a 'What I did on the first weekend after essay break when I still have a test to study for' post.

Ooh and I watched 3 episodes of Gossip Girl during dinner which means I only have 2 more eps on my hard disc and I have to watch the rest online. Sigh. Why la did Bart Bass have to die? Kesian la Chuck especially since they started to reconnect...
Shoot I just realised that I forgot to take my double dosage of vitamins again and I totally forgot about taking my cough medicine again. Oh wth why do I always have to remember stuff like this right before bedtime and its not good to eat vitamins at night and I don't wanna step in the cold kitchen to eat medicine. =( Anyway I realise I have a lot of travel-holiday posts to put up. Like Scotland in summer, Langkawi and Malacca with the high school gang and with the college girls, and Vietnam with my family and New York in December with my sister. Somehow I've got this feeling they won't be up anytime soon cause I have this upcoming test and I'm too lazy to grab the camera transfer cable from the drawer next to me and because I have to clear my table, attend to housework and do laundry...

Okay I wanna go somewhere during Reading Week in February but I don't know where I wanna go and I don't know who to go with. The housemates are not too keen on holidaying during that 1 week. Anybody up for a short trip to somewhere in UK or maybe Europe? And does anybody wanna go anywhere with me during my 5 weeks of Easter break? Granted I need to study and do my assignments but I have 5 we
eks and currently no firm plans yet, except maybe if I can convince my parents to let me join them in New York (I would be super delighted if I could and not because of the shopping but because in the past 3 years, full family attendance at holidays have been rare with my sis and I studying abroad). I will probably go to Europe (Italy/Rome or maybe Spain?) with the housemates but all that taken into consideration and the fact that no one has confirmed anything with me yet, I am open to suggestions.

Something I realised here is that I have a very limited circle of superclose friends and the rest are just classmates or hi-bye acquaintances. And with the lack of things to do around here, its something that takes getting used to. Compared to back home where th
ere's always something to do with someone, I just feel a little closed up here. But at the same time I'm also glad of the privacy that my anonymity brings me. No one I know from uni reads this blog (I think) and its kinda safe and nice here. Very comfort zone. And maybe what I need is to move out of it and start being more open. But its a little hard to do so and I'm not sure how to do it and if I really want to lose this anonymity that I've kinda gotten used to. Haih.

Omg, its almost 3am and I need to get up by 10am tmr so I can do something productive before going off to church. Jeez, I wish I would get tired.
I mean I know that if I lie down now I will sleep but I don't like going to bed unless I'm tired cuz it feels like a waste of time to me when I can be awake and doing something else. Sigh. I guess I'll go get my camera cable out and upload pics. Okay here's a little sneak preview of NY...
Me in Upper East Side Central Park going to the Guggenheim Museum with Robyn on the day where it snowed like crazy and I didn't check the weather forecast. Snow is so pretty!!! =)

Written on Sunday, January 11, 2009; 2:00 AM
3 comments
Sick and stressed out from writing
11:09 PM
Sick and stressed out from writing

I have 1500 words more to write on an international law essay which is due in 14 hours. And I only began my essay at 3pm today. I knew the consequences of not doing work properly before flying off to New York but I didn't heed them and now I'm paying the price. I have no outline for my essay but I'm just skimming through legal journals and picking up whatever points I can. I don't even understand the question. I have a cough, cold and sore throat and on my 6th cup of hot honey lemon water for self-medication but its getting much harder to focus.

I do not know why I bother torturing myself. Every term at this point of time I ask myself again why I'm doing law when I don't burn with the passion for it. Why do I put myself through something that I find interesting and motivating only on occasion. And even so, that moment lasts fleetingly. I obviously need to stop skating through university life and set some attainable goals. God I haven't finished my internship applications. I am so dead.

And the most ironic part is, I knew all these would happen and I let it happen. =S

The worst part is I have a 100% graded 3500 word essay due this Friday which I have yet to start on and for once, I am quite worried of the possibility of failing/doing really badly and barely passing this module. I cannot afford to fail this one because it will mean coming back earlier to retake it in autumn and my parents will be so disappointed because I went holidaying and jeopardised my grades and I will be utterly ashamed of myself because so far, I have yet to fail any module/exam that counted. *touchwoodtouchwoodtouchwood*

Sometimes, I think that I am one of those people destined for normal mediocrity and I will graduate with average grades and do some boring job and marry someone and have kids and become a housewife (God forbid this should happen because I think I'd hate part of me to allow my education to go to waste unless I live one of those rich tai-tai's lifestyle which is currently barely contemplable) and basically just be an average person. Blah.

You may ignore all the above as whining because yes, that is what I'm doing.

I have tons of H&M and Forever 21 bags scattered on my floor that are filled with new clothes that need to be laundered. I can't wait for my essays to be done and for my class test to be over. Perhaps than life will be back to normal and I hopefully will not slide down into the skating through university life again.

I do not know why I wasted 10 minutes writing this when I can be skimming through more journals for points that I can copy-paste-and-edit into my essay. I must be really stressed.

Wish me luck in surviving till next Thursday, everybody!=)

Written on Monday, January 05, 2009; 11:09 PM
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