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As the wind blows
11:01 PM
As the wind blows

I know I haven't been blogging. But you know, its so hard to blog. Sudahlah exams are around the corner. But also, blogspot is so unprivate. Can't lock certain things. All I do is leave them as drafts. So that I can re-read them when I feel like it. And there are all you silent readers, whom I know read my blog but don't leave comments and didn't tell me that you read this. Not that there's anything really wrong with that. Cause I'm also a silent reader of other blogs. But you know, its a bit disconcerting at times to have unexpected people reading this. And suddenly when you find out, your heart gives a little flip-flop. And you wonder if you censored it well enough. And if they really knew what it meant. And what they thought of it.

Okay, I'll just say it out loud. I am shy and reserved. And I value my privacy. Or maybe I just like keeping secrets, perhaps for the fun of it. Its like putting chocolate in your pocket. And you touch it once in awhile to reassure yourself that its still there and not melted away. Just for comfort and pleasure and knowing that the whole world doesn't know what you know.

I don't like feeling guilty, especially when it comes to you. At that moment, I thought it was the best for you. But now as I think back and wonder, was it really for you or was it really for me? I know you'll never say it to me, which is a sort of good because I don't like and don't know how to explain it. But I still feel the guilt, and it gnaws away at my conscience.

People whom you think know you best, they don't really know you that well now. But you know they do care, as you do for them. But still, things change. And so do people.

I don't know if I should put this up. I don't know if I can answer your questions, or if you can answer mine. I don't know if you know what I know. I don't know what tomorrow's gonna be like. And I don't know so many other things. So many questions, I think I need some answers. But I don't know if I'm prepared to search for them. And even more unsure whether I'm prepared to accept them. Or if they'll make things clearer. The devil are in the details, you know.

The past is history, the present is for living. And the future, well the future is unknown.

Knowing what you want doesn't mean that its within your reach. Do you want something for the sake of wanting? Or do you want it because you can't have it?

Call it fear, call it reality. They're merely names. What matters is the substance. Or so we think. But fear can be conquered. Reality, I don't know.

Do you really know what I fear? And do you know how much I fear? And that I'm afraid to let you know how afraid I am? Because I'm afraid that once you see how afraid I am, things won't be the same anymore. Its sad, isn't it? That I'm so afraid of fear. I shouldn't be thinking about all this right now cause I'm just making things more complicated, for its all set in tomorrows and its giving me such a headache! But I can't help not thinking about it because sometimes it just pops up unbidden in my mind, a reflex triggered by certain things.

Asking me to live for today is not that easy for me to do when I've been living in yesterdays and tomorrows for so long. Old habits, you know. But I think I'll try to try for today.

Written on Tuesday, May 29, 2007; 11:01 PM


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