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chocolate chip cookies
12:39 PM
chocolate chip cookies

i wanted to write something different, something else. i'm not sure what. but this wasn't in mind when i started writing. why are things so topsy-turvy? one minute white, another minute black. and what about the times where things aren't perfectly white or black, but grey. why do we perceive things as simple or as difficult when in actual fact they may be less than that or even more? who decides what we see things as other than ourselves? why do we find it so impossible to believe in ourselves but we let ourselves be swayed by what others say when all that matters is us and not them? call me naive, call me unrealistic, call me stupid, call me idealistic, but i guess i thought that it was cookie-cuttered perfection. that it had the perfect amount of chocolate chips in it. that i was right to put on that tall white hat and black apron.

its not getting easier to continue running the circles that saps my willpower slowly, leaving me tired and shaken at times as it goes on like the way a hamster runs the wheel in its cage. why did it all seem easier earlier on? that was a stupid thing to ask. where has all that endless energy and strength gone too? i guess, just maybe that energy wasn't as endless as i thought it was. but i hoped it was, i really did. and perhaps it is. maybe i am just unable to see it for now and they remain hidden reserves that are undiscovered and untapped. will you accompany me and guide me to those reserves and show me how to draw on their strength? because deep inside, i know that they're there somewhere. i just need to reach out and hold on to it.

i need a break, i need a kitkat.

if its chocolate chip cookies and milk, than its chocolate chip cookies and milk. not chocolate brownies with vanilla icecream. leopards don't change their spots, do they? but than what about the snowy white albinos? they didn't have any spots to begin with.

i think sliding down to the floor and sitting with your back solidly against the wooden wardrobe and your knees drawn up is a good place to think and ponder about how to unravel certain things and perhaps allow a tear to slowly escape. but lets face it, there's never really a good place to cry, is there? of course not. don't be silly. but sometimes, its good to let it all out. as for unravelling things, is it more of the place or more of the person?

standing at the windows letting the warm air circulated by the fan make the curtains billow and swell up behind you, covering you for an instant as you peek out into the backyard. skimming over the rooftops and tinted windows with curtains drawn and you wonder briefly at their occupants and what they're like and if their life shares some sort of tiny resemblance to yours.

this is one long ramble about so many things that are things and could yet be nothing. i should use the shift button to tidy this up. but somehow today, i don't feel compelled to. i just don't. perhaps later when i re-read this, i will. till then, this remains as it is. uncapitalized.

Written on Wednesday, July 04, 2007; 12:39 PM


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