I thought my heart was well-protected from breakages and bruises some time back. Then I went back in time and got my heart battered again. A different and new kind of hurt, but still hurt all the same. Places and corners that I didn't even know were there. How could anyone have the capacity to this? What have I done to deserve a blue stress ball thrown back at me? Funny enough, life jerks out the rug when you least expect it. I saw a doctor and she tried to mend my wounds and stuck a big purple Band-Aid over the hole. And I thought, I can survive this. Fragile and newly-mended, I will live each day at a time and heal. And someone whirled in and ripped it even wider. Exposing the dust, secrets, tears and laughter. Minutes into hours into days. I cried. And I laughed. And I was happy. But for a moment I knew that this was hello and goodbye and chocolate. I knew I had to wake up soon. Recovery was painful, this stonewalling was nauseous. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't laugh. I couldn't breathe. Blankets of memories and time were closing in. I felt as though I was being ripped into different persons. I can't do this, I won't do this. I need to open up my heart and let the sorrowness drain away. I want to dance and laugh and look at you and say good luck. Slowly but steadily, I learned to walk again. And the rug was jerked once more. A promise - no I can't say it was broken for I don't remember if it was even given. But I remember a statement, oh I remember. I have lost again. And in losing I understand that what will be is meant to be. I learn that I can be better and happier. I learn that my heart is never completely safe but it will die if I stonewall. I learn that doctors sometime have to care for themselves before their patients. I learn that I can be happy by being at peace with myself. Oh my heart, I will dance with the autumn leaves and learn that to love is to risk everything and in a kiss, gain back manyfold.