Breakable mugs

I thought my heart was well-protected from breakages and bruises some time back. Then I went back in time and got my heart battered again. A different and new kind of hurt, but still hurt all the same. Places and corners that I didn't even know were there. How could anyone have the capacity to this? What have I done to deserve a blue stress ball thrown back at me? Funny enough, life jerks out the rug when you least expect it. I saw a doctor and she tried to mend my wounds and stuck a big purple Band-Aid over the hole. And I thought, I can survive this. Fragile and newly-mended, I will live each day at a time and heal. And someone whirled in and ripped it even wider. Exposing the dust, secrets, tears and laughter. Minutes into hours into days. I cried. And I laughed. And I was happy. But for a moment I knew that this was hello and goodbye and chocolate. I knew I had to wake up soon. Recovery was painful, this stonewalling was nauseous. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't laugh. I couldn't breathe. Blankets of memories and time were closing in. I felt as though I was being ripped into different persons. I can't do this, I won't do this. I need to open up my heart and let the sorrowness drain away. I want to dance and laugh and look at you and say good luck. Slowly but steadily, I learned to walk again. And the rug was jerked once more. A promise - no I can't say it was broken for I don't remember if it was even given. But I remember a statement, oh I remember. I have lost again. And in losing I understand that what will be is meant to be. I learn that I can be better and happier. I learn that my heart is never completely safe but it will die if I stonewall. I learn that doctors sometime have to care for themselves before their patients. I learn that I can be happy by being at peace with myself. Oh my heart, I will dance with the autumn leaves and learn that to love is to risk everything and in a kiss, gain back manyfold.

Autumnal crevices

So, term's being hectic so far. Things have regressed to what they used to be. For both situations. I don't know if it's a new regression though, and I hope not. Perspective does fucking change. I want to say let's cut the shit, no more pussyfooting or double-talk. Let's be the way we used to be. Is that too much to ask?


I'm going to Prague this Reading Week.

7 hours

Tonight I want to be the ice-cream girl in a brown jacket on the swing in the park.

Autumn

Goodbye Malaysia, hello UK.

Say farewell to summer kids, cause school's about to start. :(

Summer was just beautiful, but still a dream nonetheless. Awakening comes when you receive a snarky-sounding email saying that you cannot change modules to Financial Services Regulation or Medicine & Law and you are stuck taking Basic Introduction to Islamic Law. Oh heavens, help me!!! Not that I have anything against Islamic law.

Sometimes I wonder why my parents pay so much for 27 or less weeks of study with such inflexible study structures and administrators always have to sound like they have a pen stuck up their unmentionables. Give a student a break, won't ya?

From a gentle bud which bloomed to its glorious maturity in a brief moment and withered soon.

And so I said goodbye and left behind a part of me.

Vampires

Things happen when you least expect them to.

Crazy heart-stopping adrenaline pounding shadow dancing.
From sky-high icy mountains swooping down to warm valleys.
To flitting between lines that invisibly guard grey fields.
Whirlwinds, thunderstorms, lightning and warm rain.

I just want to revel in the last few moments of time. Will that be too much to hope for?

Junkie

Its an addiction I cannot shake. Cravings, adrenaline, the rush to the head. I thought I gave it up but all it took was one moment.

And I was lost, again.

I cannot stop myself from sliding into mysteries that I know are hauntingly terrifying with a dark beauty that I cannot fathom. All I can do is watch with pleasurable despair. And pray that somehow, someone somewhere will catch me.

When we are truly fortunate