summer days where all you need is a gelato in hand //

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Carolling and dancing

3:56 PM

Carolling and dancing

Let me start off by saying...

Happy 20th birthday, sis!!!

See, for you its in pink eventhough its a bit of a bimbotic colour. =p

You're no longer a teen, so you can't use the, "I'm a teenager, what do you expect?" excuse anymore each time when you land in the boiling hot soup.

So come up with some new and better ones, ok.
And don't you dare steal mine. ;)

We're probably the only sisters who fight everyday and despite the fact that I always win, we still talk to each other.

Okay, I couldn't resist putting that in. =p

But ever since you left, the house is so much quieter, and I don't have anyone to fight with. Daniel's a bit too young to understand the subtle nuances of everything I say. Not that you always do, but it gives me some satisfaction of just saying it anyway to you.

But, blood is still thicker than water and you're still my big sister (though some others say otherwise) and at the end of the day kita kan still family.

So here's a big birthday hug for you.
Love ya.

Good luck for your logic exams and have fun celebrating this Friday.

This is the 3rd birthday running that I'm not there to sing you a birthday song and eat your birthday cake. =(

So birthday wishes aside, I've just came back from carolling. I've don't think I've ever donated so much blood to nature while carolling at night. I thought that the night weather would be much cooler due to the rain, but all that rain just seemed to have bred more mozzies. But, I must say that seeing 30+ people dressed in black and white walking the streets and cramming into your house singing Christmas carols gives you a very pleasant and nice warm feeling. This will probably be the last time I'm doing it here, at least for the next 3 years I anticipate. My left fingertips really hurt and I'm so thankful that I'm a right-hander, if not I'd be in agony by now. But, its a small price to pay. And a part of me is glad that I decided to join the carollers again this year.

Earlier on, I was in college watching the annual A-Levels production. This year it was 3 short plays. When the 1st play was over after about 10 minutes, I was like, "Huh? So short only?" Oh well, the last play more than made up for it in length.

In the first play, the interepreter was really funny.
Well = a hole in the ground. Haha.

In the second play, well, I really liked the subtext part.

As for the third play I kinda expected something to happen as there were tell-tale signs, but I wasn't sure what would happen and I didn't quite expect it to happen like that.

I'm being a little vague here as I don't want to spoil the play for those who haven't seen it and are planning to see it. And I'm also lazy to blog in detail about it.

Anyway, the subtext part in the second play really struck a chord in me. And it got me wondering again, how many of us actually say something when we actually mean another?

And how do we know if the person we're speaking to actually has a subtext? And if so, why?

Sometimes it seems like everything is just hunky-dory perfectly pat down fine, but in our minds, there are those little speech bubbles with the subtext and undercurrents flowing within.

But we really don't know, do we?

Sometimes, we just can't say the things we mean, for certain reasons. And there are times where we can't really speak the truth because we know its not what the other person wants us to say.

Its a bit like a ritual dance, where you hold my waist and I put my hand on your shoulder. You take 2 steps front, I take 2 steps back. You turn right, and I follow. You lift my hand to spin me around and I twirl. And we both slowly come to a stop. You bow and I curtsey. We both know the steps of this dance and we both follow it. Rarely, do we deviate and break the mould of this age old dance. Perhaps, we don't want to hurt the other person, or perhaps we ourselves evade from seeking the truth which we can't and don't want to face.

And we go along dancing this dance when we both want to say and do something else different. Instead of saying adieu, you could have asked me for another dance and I smile at you and say yes. And we float along gracefully, opening up a myriad of possibilities, each leading up to something that could be so beautiful, or maybe even so ugly that it would have been better if we left it at just one dance.

Maybe, maybe not.
But we'll never know now, will we?

Had that happened, it could have, would have and should have been something else. Instead it was not, did not and I think, will not happen. Its just not fair. Dead end. Where do we go from here?

Life's never fair. If you want something, you have to reach out for it and break the mould. Or you can just gamble everything on a chance, on a whim of fate. Because, that's what it really is. A slight smile, a hand held longer than it should have been, a word, anyone of these could have triggered off something which could have lead on to another thing which could bring forth something else. But, it didn't.

So, we go on dancing in circles.
At least, I do.
And I don't think that I'm wrong in saying that some part of you still does that too.

In fact, we all do that.

At times, all these dancing around tires me out. But I know that I can't stop. Its just been too long that its become an integral part of me, like an invisble and intangible shield that you never put down because letting it drop would mean lowering your barriers. And I find myself unconsciously dancing, at times powerless to stop and at times, unwilling to stop.

Can you tell when I'm dancing?
Sometimes, even I can't.
Or maybe, I don't even want to.
But, I can tell sometimes when you're dancing, I think.

Maybe, just maybe someday we'll be brave enough to be able to stop this dancing and subtexting and come to the crux of the matter, when it might seem that it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe not to you, but it does matter to me. Knowing that I can finally turn the page and consider it case closed. Until then it will linger in my mind, more infrequently as times passes by, like a fleeting breath of wind, but it will still be there.

Till then, let us dance the very best that we can.
With grace, truth and as much courage that we can muster.

Written on Thursday, December 14, 2006; 3:56 PM

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