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Ennui really is the last straw
1:52 AM
Ennui really is the last straw

I'm going to New York tomorrow but I don't feel anything.

Back than I used to get really excited and would even finish packing for long holidays a couple of days before I fly. But this time, the jadedness that I've been trying to hide ate into my excitement leaving me weary and grey. I haven't put anything in my suitcase and I've got a long list of errands to be done. Not to mention a hell of a lot of unfinished work that I know I won't be able to do on the trip that I'll be worrying a lot about when the deadlines inch nearer.

Where are you my conscience?

This trip feels like I'm running away. But I don't know if I'm running away from something or running towards something. This nonchalant, uncaring, stoned air of taking things for granted is ruffling me up. Deep down inside I know that I need my verve back. This is what the trip is for, what I hope and need it to be. I'm going to the Big Apple where there will be loads of energy, colour and light. Anything to pep-start me back to life. To remove the memories, the scars, the mental blocks, the remembering, the lassitude, the disconnection.

I don't quite know what I'm searching for, someone told me he found his answers there.

I hope I find mine as well.

Written on Monday, December 15, 2008; 1:52 AM


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