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Battling the storm
6:37 PM
Battling the storm

I wonder...

How did I let myself get this far?
How did I survive the maelstrom?
How did I stay afloat of the cruel, relentless, hungry current?

I should have seen it coming
I saw the warnings,
Those telltale signals
That prelude the coming storm.

Yet, like a fool,
I persisted against nature.
Deluding myself
Into thinking
That I was invincible.

Stubborn pride
Wouldn't let me bend
Unyielding and proud
I stood facing the coming storm
Determined to ride it out
Even if it meant my destruction.

Experience is a harsh teacher.
First, it throws you into the deep end

And the lesson learnt only after.

You taught me how to conceal my cards

Not to show my hand
To dissemble and reassemble
To build an armour
Against you.

Never before had I thought
That I would taste defeat
But somehow in that presumed loss
I found a twisted victory.

The ability to dominate my emotions
The ability to master my face to form a mask
The ability to play the game of deception
The ability to use guile
The ability to conceal the truth,
Even from myself.

I cannot undo what I have done
I cannot unlearn what I have learnt
In some ways, I
will never be the same.

But now, I'm able to walk away
No longer feeling

That I have to prove something
Especially to you, of all people.

I realise that to pit my will against yours once more,
Would only reopen old wounds
That have already been cauterized

I may have lost the first battle

But it is not the end.
Did I win the war?
I can only hope so.

But at what price does that joyless victory come?

My trust and faith,
Shattered beyond repair.
A hopeful soul

Forged into something cynical
Truly seeing without hoping,
Believing nothing.

Written on Friday, November 10, 2006; 6:37 PM


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